(no subject)

I cried in rehearsal this afternoon.

I promise myself over and and over again that I will not let my emotions get to me, but they do. I hate showing everyone how weak I am, but I can't seem to stop myself anymore. It never used to be this way. Most of my life I had bottled my emotions inside, never crying, never showing the world how hurt I was. And I know when that all changed -- when I was 17 years old, my final year of boarding school, and I made my first true friend. Something happened inside me that allowed me to finally allow all the pain and rage and sorrow I had been keeping inside all those years out, and now it seems I can't stop the torrent -- it seems like once they were freed, the emotions don't ever want to go back inside. And it's driving me crazy.

I was singing a song that I thought I was really connected with, expressing her emotions beautifully, being dramatic and powerful. But the director said she felt nothing from me, like I was reading a shopping list, and that I obviously had no soul. I nearly collapsed when she said that, I just couldn't believe it. I know I'm an emotionally powerful singer -- I may not have the most perfect voice, but I feel the joy or sorrow of my character and bring it out through song -- and to be told that absolutely crushed me. And so I started sobbing. Uncontrollably. It was so embaressing, I didn't know what to do, everyone was looking at me like I had suddenly sprouted arms out of my head or something equally bizarre, and I couldn't stop. God, what is wrong with me! I hate being such an emotional wreck. And it's so unprofessional too. Sometimes I can take scathing critisim without blinking an eye, like a good lil actor is supposed to, but other times...I guess this just makes me feel even more that I'm in the wrong profession. I really need to sort myself out, before I go mad.



Riding the Jubilee line down to Waterloo station, a gaggle of teenagers with obnoxiously posh accents got on and started babbling so loudly I couldn't read my book, which certainly didn't make me feel any better. Then they started talking about why they were going in to central London -- they all had tickets to see the production of Macbeth starring Sean Bean. And none of them wanted to go. My jaw dropped, and stared at them all, completely gobsmacked as they wittered on about how 'boring' it was going to be, and how they had better things to do, and more important things to spend their money on ('Like buying new clothes!' said one lipglossed little twat, and I had to grab the armrest to stop myself from going up to her and giving her a most deserved SMACK). I just couldn't believe it! I desperately wanted to stand up and shout 'If you don't want to go, give ME your ticket! *I* need it more than you!'
I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be so mind blowingly selfish and ungrateful -- most people can't afford theatre tickets, and are lucky to see a crappy local amateur dramatics production if they want to see a show, and here these little rich girls were complaining about seeing the hottest show in town. With SEAN BEAN. One of the girls started complaining about having to see My Fair Lady (with Jonathan Pryce), and how tedious it all was. They were so unappreicative of their good fortune it made me feel sick. Someone should take away their priviledges (and Daddy's credit card) so they can know what real hardship is like, because it sure as hell isn't watching Sean Bean for two and a half hours.



I just took an Inkblot test from Emode.com, which bizarrely matches the first part of this journal entry, so they must be a little bit accurate to get that right.

Here's a snippet:

You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of wanting to avoid pain and discomfort, and your desire to help others avoid it as well.

Very, very true.

Read the entire analysis ( here )

I'd like to end this journal entry on a happy note (because I am a cheerful person after all ;-), so please give an enthuastic welcome to the charming and spiffykeen lheureverte!


OH! I can't believe I nearly forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my adorable and oh-so-evil clone llanerch! Yayyyyy! *spins you round and gives you happy birthday smooches* :))