(no subject)
Nov. 12th, 2002 09:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neverwhereI cried in rehearsal this afternoon.
I promise myself over and and over again that I will not let my emotions get to me, but they do. I hate showing everyone how weak I am, but I can't seem to stop myself anymore. It never used to be this way. Most of my life I had bottled my emotions inside, never crying, never showing the world how hurt I was. And I know when that all changed -- when I was 17 years old, my final year of boarding school, and I made my first true friend. Something happened inside me that allowed me to finally allow all the pain and rage and sorrow I had been keeping inside all those years out, and now it seems I can't stop the torrent -- it seems like once they were freed, the emotions don't ever want to go back inside. And it's driving me crazy.
I was singing a song that I thought I was really connected with, expressing her emotions beautifully, being dramatic and powerful. But the director said she felt nothing from me, like I was reading a shopping list, and that I obviously had no soul. I nearly collapsed when she said that, I just couldn't believe it. I know I'm an emotionally powerful singer -- I may not have the most perfect voice, but I feel the joy or sorrow of my character and bring it out through song -- and to be told that absolutely crushed me. And so I started sobbing. Uncontrollably. It was so embaressing, I didn't know what to do, everyone was looking at me like I had suddenly sprouted arms out of my head or something equally bizarre, and I couldn't stop. God, what is wrong with me! I hate being such an emotional wreck. And it's so unprofessional too. Sometimes I can take scathing critisim without blinking an eye, like a good lil actor is supposed to, but other times...I guess this just makes me feel even more that I'm in the wrong profession. I really need to sort myself out, before I go mad.
Riding the Jubilee line down to Waterloo station, a gaggle of teenagers with obnoxiously posh accents got on and started babbling so loudly I couldn't read my book, which certainly didn't make me feel any better. Then they started talking about why they were going in to central London -- they all had tickets to see the production of Macbeth starring Sean Bean. And none of them wanted to go. My jaw dropped, and stared at them all, completely gobsmacked as they wittered on about how 'boring' it was going to be, and how they had better things to do, and more important things to spend their money on ('Like buying new clothes!' said one lipglossed little twat, and I had to grab the armrest to stop myself from going up to her and giving her a most deserved SMACK). I just couldn't believe it! I desperately wanted to stand up and shout 'If you don't want to go, give ME your ticket! *I* need it more than you!'
I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be so mind blowingly selfish and ungrateful -- most people can't afford theatre tickets, and are lucky to see a crappy local amateur dramatics production if they want to see a show, and here these little rich girls were complaining about seeing the hottest show in town. With SEAN BEAN. One of the girls started complaining about having to see My Fair Lady (with Jonathan Pryce), and how tedious it all was. They were so unappreicative of their good fortune it made me feel sick. Someone should take away their priviledges (and Daddy's credit card) so they can know what real hardship is like, because it sure as hell isn't watching Sean Bean for two and a half hours.
I just took an Inkblot test from Emode.com, which bizarrely matches the first part of this journal entry, so they must be a little bit accurate to get that right.
Here's a snippet:
You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of wanting to avoid pain and discomfort, and your desire to help others avoid it as well.
Very, very true.
Read the entire analysis
Pippin, your unconscious mind is driven most by Kindness
This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.
It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.
You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of wanting to avoid pain and discomfort, and your desire to help others avoid it as well. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To keep your emotions in check, you might want to recognize this in yourself so you can pull back during those times when you start to feel overwhelmed.
But overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.
I'd like to end this journal entry on a happy note (because I am a cheerful person after all ;-), so please give an enthuastic welcome to the charming and spiffykeen![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lheureverte!
OH! I can't believe I nearly forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my adorable and oh-so-evil clonellanerch! Yayyyyy! *spins you round and gives you happy birthday smooches* :))
I promise myself over and and over again that I will not let my emotions get to me, but they do. I hate showing everyone how weak I am, but I can't seem to stop myself anymore. It never used to be this way. Most of my life I had bottled my emotions inside, never crying, never showing the world how hurt I was. And I know when that all changed -- when I was 17 years old, my final year of boarding school, and I made my first true friend. Something happened inside me that allowed me to finally allow all the pain and rage and sorrow I had been keeping inside all those years out, and now it seems I can't stop the torrent -- it seems like once they were freed, the emotions don't ever want to go back inside. And it's driving me crazy.
I was singing a song that I thought I was really connected with, expressing her emotions beautifully, being dramatic and powerful. But the director said she felt nothing from me, like I was reading a shopping list, and that I obviously had no soul. I nearly collapsed when she said that, I just couldn't believe it. I know I'm an emotionally powerful singer -- I may not have the most perfect voice, but I feel the joy or sorrow of my character and bring it out through song -- and to be told that absolutely crushed me. And so I started sobbing. Uncontrollably. It was so embaressing, I didn't know what to do, everyone was looking at me like I had suddenly sprouted arms out of my head or something equally bizarre, and I couldn't stop. God, what is wrong with me! I hate being such an emotional wreck. And it's so unprofessional too. Sometimes I can take scathing critisim without blinking an eye, like a good lil actor is supposed to, but other times...I guess this just makes me feel even more that I'm in the wrong profession. I really need to sort myself out, before I go mad.
Riding the Jubilee line down to Waterloo station, a gaggle of teenagers with obnoxiously posh accents got on and started babbling so loudly I couldn't read my book, which certainly didn't make me feel any better. Then they started talking about why they were going in to central London -- they all had tickets to see the production of Macbeth starring Sean Bean. And none of them wanted to go. My jaw dropped, and stared at them all, completely gobsmacked as they wittered on about how 'boring' it was going to be, and how they had better things to do, and more important things to spend their money on ('Like buying new clothes!' said one lipglossed little twat, and I had to grab the armrest to stop myself from going up to her and giving her a most deserved SMACK). I just couldn't believe it! I desperately wanted to stand up and shout 'If you don't want to go, give ME your ticket! *I* need it more than you!'
I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be so mind blowingly selfish and ungrateful -- most people can't afford theatre tickets, and are lucky to see a crappy local amateur dramatics production if they want to see a show, and here these little rich girls were complaining about seeing the hottest show in town. With SEAN BEAN. One of the girls started complaining about having to see My Fair Lady (with Jonathan Pryce), and how tedious it all was. They were so unappreicative of their good fortune it made me feel sick. Someone should take away their priviledges (and Daddy's credit card) so they can know what real hardship is like, because it sure as hell isn't watching Sean Bean for two and a half hours.
I just took an Inkblot test from Emode.com, which bizarrely matches the first part of this journal entry, so they must be a little bit accurate to get that right.
Here's a snippet:
You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of wanting to avoid pain and discomfort, and your desire to help others avoid it as well.
Very, very true.
Read the entire analysis
Pippin, your unconscious mind is driven most by Kindness
This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.
It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.
You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of wanting to avoid pain and discomfort, and your desire to help others avoid it as well. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To keep your emotions in check, you might want to recognize this in yourself so you can pull back during those times when you start to feel overwhelmed.
But overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.
I'd like to end this journal entry on a happy note (because I am a cheerful person after all ;-), so please give an enthuastic welcome to the charming and spiffykeen
lheureverte!OH! I can't believe I nearly forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my adorable and oh-so-evil clone
llanerch! Yayyyyy! *spins you round and gives you happy birthday smooches* :))
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:34 pm (UTC)*falls into your arms and sighs softly*
*squeeezes tight*
Bah. I hate bad days. *kicks the world*
At least my bitches still love me. *grins* ;-)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 06:08 pm (UTC)And as a bitch whose unconscious is driven by love (or so Emode.com tells her), of course I wuv my Nevvie. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:12 pm (UTC)-hugs- I'll come down there, big sis, and give that dicrector of yours a good friggin' kick in the shins. NOONE treats my big sister like that, and hell hath no fury like an angry hobbit lass.
-snarl- ;)
As for the rich little twits, let them choke on their complaints. They'll never know how lucky they are, because their conceded and don't have SOULS like we do. Y'know? Probably not :)
-hugs- you'll be alright. And i'm always here to talk to you.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:26 pm (UTC)*cuddles and pets you lovingly*
You are so right, they don't have souls! My daemon is beautiful and theirs, if they have one at all, is mangy and ugly. Bleaugh!
Hobbit lasses may not have height or muscles to give us power, but we certainly are the right size to cause some major damage. *smirks* ;-)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:19 pm (UTC)So, for their own good, I will send out my pet Dementors to these silly wenches so that they will have a better understanding...
*huggles*
(BTW, I am going to print out my stuff to send my novel to two literary agents. Keep your fingers crossed...)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:22 pm (UTC)Oooh good luck! *crosses fingers and toes for you*
*stops because she can no longer walk or type* ;-)
And please do send out the Dementors, god knows they deserve it. Maybe not for their whole lives, but a bit of emotional suckage wouldn't hurt them one bit. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:37 pm (UTC)Yes, there are some truly undeserving people in the world. And they seem to sail through life without it ever having any real affect on them. Never mind, its all their loss in the end.
I am in awe of anyone like you who can get up and do these things, sign and perform - I couldn't for all the mushrooms in middle earth, no way. You sound like a unique voice to me, Nevvie. Long live uniqueness.
:)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:43 pm (UTC)*blushes happily*
Thanks Trinny, I like to think I'm charmingly unique and wonderful too. :)
And I bet you can perform! I'm going to tell Chrysti to get you drunk and make you to do Karaoke, just to prove that you're a STAR. *giggles*
Re:
Date: 2002-11-12 02:28 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-11-12 03:24 pm (UTC)*laughs*
Awwww go on! I'm sure it'd be fun, and I need pictures dammit! :D
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 08:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 01:58 pm (UTC)what is wrong with some people.. guh!!
*hugs you* don't worry.. i know you have a soul... well, i've loaned it to you for the production because you sold it to me, but it is there.. i am holding the leash!! feel... *tugtug*
*kicks her* she doesn't know what she's talking about... *kicks her again*
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 02:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 03:27 pm (UTC)I feel like I have to prove myself all the time -- *I* know I'm good, but no one else does. Or if they do, they sure as hell don't show it.
I just wish I didn't have to work so hard just to show people I'm worthy. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 09:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 03:56 pm (UTC)Anyways, as to those brats, hunt them down and steal their tickets! Bowl them over and tickle them with a feather duster until they relenquish those prized pieces of paper to somebody who appreciates fine art.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 05:53 pm (UTC)The people i knew in school/college who went into acting have ended up emotionally dead due to that being their way of dealing with the constant bashing of their talent, I can't bear them now, so false and porcelain faced. You've still got all your faculties (and possibly the bursar too), even if they do surface at inopportune times
Just finished reading Good Omens so i've got the afterglow of finishing a brilliant book, that said you DO have an aura that could light the whole of London on a rainy winter night. ;)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-12 06:12 pm (UTC)What he said, Nevvie. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 12:09 pm (UTC)Must...meet...you...or...will...die...*collapses from too much flattery* *lol*
*SQUEEEEEEEEEZE* :))
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 05:46 pm (UTC)*nah*
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 01:20 am (UTC)But I do know that theres some people in the world who just don't grow and keep the social graces they were born with (aka. drooling and throwing up... @ the posh twits on the train)
I also admire anyone who can stand up infront of an audience and sing/ act, because it's something I've never been able to do. Most my cousins can, I'm just too shy to step it up and speak in front of people.
I hope there'll never be a problem showing emotions in public, if your confident enough to do that... well... the world is your mollusc!
(Anyhoo @ Trukkle, who do we know who went into acting from Highschool and 6thform? for that matter, how many of them have we SEEN since highschool and 6thform? Please advise)
Prease to busten seat bert!
Date: 2002-11-13 12:07 pm (UTC)Ohhh you are SO cute! *pets the ickle ginger rat* :D
You've still got all your faculties (and possibly the bursar too)
I prefer to think of myself as a rather more jolly version of the Dean -- Live Fats, Die Yo Gnu -- yep, that's me. *giggles*
you DO have an aura that could light the whole of London on a rainy winter night. ;)
*BLUSH!* Eeeep. *smiles shyly*
That is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said about me. Wow. *bundles you in her arms and squeezes tight*
I wonder if you'll think the same thing when we meet...we are going to meet sometime, right? *grins*
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 02:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 12:34 pm (UTC)If you've found a way to send your boot in Oz to her arse in London, then by all means, go right ahead. *grins*
This is Beyond my Power to Heal
Date: 2002-11-13 08:16 am (UTC)(Yeah, I know it isn't funny, but still)
Weellll since my nevvie left me
I've found a new place to dwell-ah
Down at the end of lonely street
Heartbreak Hotel-ah
I been so lonely babeh
I been so lonely babeh
I been so lonely I could die-ah!
Uh...it doesn't seem to be working. In fact, I think she flatlined after the Weeeeellll.
Whoops!
*runs away and hides from lawsuits for malpractice and blatant misuse of the King*
Uh huh huh
Date: 2002-11-13 12:11 pm (UTC)*laughs*
Just about everything you say is funny my dearest. *smooches* :)
Thenk-ewe, Thenk-eweverymuch
Date: 2002-11-13 12:39 pm (UTC)What's wrong with me?
I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree
My friends say I'm actin' wild as a bug
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
My hands are shaky and my knees are weak
I can't seem to stand on my own two feet
Who do you thank when you have such luck?
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
Please don't ask me what's on my mind
I'm a little mixed up, but I'm feelin' fine
When I'm near that girl that I love best
My heart beats so it scares me to death!
She touched my hand what a chill I got
Her lips are like a vulcano that's hot
I'm proud to say she's my buttercup
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
My tongue get tied when I try to speak
My insides shake like a leaf on a tree
There's only one cure for this body of mine
That's to have the girl that I love so fine!
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 08:28 am (UTC)As for those...those...I can't think of a sufficently venomous word to describe them. Going to see The Scottish Play? With SEAN BEAN?!!?!? And they're COMPLAINING!!!! DEAR GOD!!!!! I would have beaned them on the head with my backpack (a weapon of fearsome power) and swiped the tickets!
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 12:14 pm (UTC)Hey, if I had to be obssessed with something, at least it's worthy and helps others. *grins*
(Wait, what am I talking about -- I'm obssessed with EVERYTHING! *swoons through a list of her lovelies...mmmmmPippinNeilGaimanTanithGilesMichaelPalinSchmendrickmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm* *thud* *lol*
I remember the Backback of Doom, I could have used such a weapon of awesome power in my struggle against the infidels. *still glaring at them from afar*
no subject
Date: 2002-11-14 09:22 am (UTC)The Backpack of Doom has been upgraded since you last saw it. Black and opressive lookin' now, with a Snitch keychain attached, and it conatins even more surprises than it used to, not the least of which are a deck of cards and an extremely small flashlight.
Damned infidels. I still can't believe them.
sorry this reply is a couple days late, heh.
Date: 2002-11-13 12:44 pm (UTC)but as far as YOU go...you have a soul that's worth a hell of a lot more than whoever said you didn't. I think you must have a beatiful soul--you always have an aura of beauty that I admire. :) you'd have to have a strong soul to survive in theatre, anyway, I would imagine. so don't take it to heart too much, darlin'.
Re: sorry this reply is a couple days late, heh.
Date: 2002-11-13 01:11 pm (UTC)you always have an aura of beauty that I admire. :)
Gosh. *stunned*
Thank you. Wow. :))
I rather liked your pun actually. *grins*
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 01:49 pm (UTC)my pun didn't make you hide your face and groan? that's good...maybe Will isn't rolling in his grave over it then, either...
no subject
Date: 2002-11-26 11:18 pm (UTC)sean bean. in macbeth. and they didn't want to! insane girls. i bet they would have gone if it had been "dear orli" or someone else to that effect.
i hate people like that.
btw, i'm adding you to my friends list. because i think you're interesting. and you have fun interests!