(no subject)

Thank you so much for your concern and well wishes. I can't believe how many of you replied to my entry, I'm truly stunned by the reaction it received. I really have made some amazing friends. I hope you all realize how much I value your friendship. Because I really do. :)

Please forgive me for not replying last night, I went to bed early and was too emotionally drained for a response. So here's the deal -- I'm not going because I want to. There are many reasons why I am being forced to go, but basically it's because I have no money and my father has promised to help me get back on my feet, but only if it is under his careful supervision, which means I have to leave. He never wanted me to become an actor, he hates me living here (where he can't CONTROL me) and even wants me to train for a 'proper' degree this time, preferably at a 'decent' school (let's not even mention how much he loathed Sarah Lawrence) so he can finally be proud of me. And did I mention that he wants to stick me in 'intense' therapy to sort out all of my emotional problems (most of which he caused)? Whoopee.

So I'm going. And not looking forward to it at all. But, my father has promised to bribe me make my stay more pleasant and (hopefully) enjoyable by giving me lots and lots of stuff. My father is quite well off, but has never actually given me anything like this, so it's rather shocking. But he has promised a nice flat, a car, a computer, dvd player...just about anything to bribe me into staying and shutting up about how miserable I am make me happy. Which will be nice. It will be good not to constantly stress about money, because god knows I've done enough of that lately. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm there -- I suppose I'll get a job in a bookshop, which I've done before and enjoyed, but apart from that (and going to the gym of course -- I have got to lose weight) I really have no clue. I'd like to keep acting of course...but I seriously doubt that will be a possibility. Oh well.

I know I shouldn't complain. Most people would love to be in my position. But it's just so unfair -- I was finally starting to have a good life, I actually made some fantastic friends that I could spend time with and who cared about me, and even more that I haven't met yet or got to know very well but would dearly love to, and now I'm going thousands of miles away, where I don't know ANYone except a few relatives whom I would really rather not have to see. I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to leave.

I just have to keep telling myself, 'it's only for a little while'. I hope it's true.


In other news: Today I had a fascinating conversation with a woman who is about to begin making a film that will be shown at next year's Cannes Film Festival. It's called Strings, and it's a dark, elegant, poignant and incredibly beautiful story about the lives of marionettes. If anyone has seen Being John Malkovitch, they'll know what I'm talking about. It sounds like a brilliant film, and I can't wait to see it.


Oh, and GIP -- because people don't use book quotes nearly enough. Pippin really is a most sensible Hobbit. :)