My heart is sick of being in chains

[neverwhere]

What a bloody awful day.

I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.

I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.

I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.

A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.

Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*

The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.

Comments

*forever hugs*

[ex-bluerhaps882.livejournal.com]

Aww Nevvie. *tear*

You KNOW your friends love you because you're you, and you are playful and cheery and cute. And we really don't care about anything else. Because Nevvie is the smartest and the cutest :) Come on, head up - I know it feels hard right now, but every cloud has silver lining. You're free-spirited, fun, and wonderfully outgoing Nev, and no matter what you look like your friends will love you.

Yes, I agree it's SOOOOOOOO unfair that actors get their jobs based on their appearances, but there really isn't anything that can be done about it. That's why I don't want to be an actress - I don't want to be in any school plays or whatever. It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, it's just that I have glasses and most of the time the director doesn't want the lead to have glasses. I wound up being a narrator for 4 years, trust me, I know what it's like.

Some people are perfect and beautiful on the inside, not only the outside. I'm sure that you are every bit as cute as you claim to be *giggles* but you're even more beautiful on the inside. :) Your personality is very attractive *g*

*huggles forever*
Your Wondermoose <3 <3 <3

Re: *forever hugs*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Thank you my dearest Leah. *holds you tight*

I am playful and cheery and cute, I always hope that's enough to make people like me, but I know it isn't. Sigh.

I thought you had already seen pictures of me? Here are some I took about two weeks ago with Mr Webcam.

Re: *forever hugs*

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Anyone who knows me knows I never pander to people to make them feel good, and an known to be rather harsh, but those pictures are quite beautiful. If you lived here, I'd have you in our productions easily. If everyone fit one mold, how boring we would be.

I have several close friends who are heavier than the norm, one is a dancer, and they do get that treatment. It comes from people so frail and insecure with themselves that they react this way to anyone who dares to be different and still perseveres. It seems a twisted form of jealousy and it is. If you weren't worth their efforts, they would ignore you, but that they ridicule means you've touched a nerve and scared them. There is power in who you are, all you have to do is take it. I get all sorts of harrassment and ridicule, anyone of any worth does like you wouldn't believe, but I'd hate to see you let them stop you from what you love. Find what works with you and go with that.

What better training for the needed thick skin than dealing with the ignorant. I am in no way classically handsome, but I managed through will, perseverence, a decent voice, and a strong and singular presence to make my mark as an actor, dancer, and even model. I became handsome on my own terms, if that makes any sense, and others now agree. I even play the heroes, though I'd rather play the villains now that I am old enough to be interesting and not forever the ingenue.

Re: *forever hugs*

[ex-bluerhaps882.livejournal.com]

of course I've seen piccies of you. You look cute as always *G*

*huggles and bibbles* hehe