My heart is sick of being in chains

[neverwhere]

What a bloody awful day.

I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.

I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.

I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.

A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.

Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*

The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.

Comments

:(

[wyldechylde14.livejournal.com]

::gives you a big snuggle-hug::

Don't worry about what stupid people say. You're wonderful, no matter what your packaging. Why do you think you're so popular on livejournal!

[caersidi.livejournal.com]

Oh Nevvie, I hate to read something like this. Acting is a harsh profession exactly as you say and the casual cruelness of people makes me so angry.

Try to do something nice for yourself tonight. Perhaps a nice bath and allow those negative projections to flow away.

*hugs*

Vivienne

*forever hugs*

[ex-bluerhaps882.livejournal.com]

Aww Nevvie. *tear*

You KNOW your friends love you because you're you, and you are playful and cheery and cute. And we really don't care about anything else. Because Nevvie is the smartest and the cutest :) Come on, head up - I know it feels hard right now, but every cloud has silver lining. You're free-spirited, fun, and wonderfully outgoing Nev, and no matter what you look like your friends will love you.

Yes, I agree it's SOOOOOOOO unfair that actors get their jobs based on their appearances, but there really isn't anything that can be done about it. That's why I don't want to be an actress - I don't want to be in any school plays or whatever. It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, it's just that I have glasses and most of the time the director doesn't want the lead to have glasses. I wound up being a narrator for 4 years, trust me, I know what it's like.

Some people are perfect and beautiful on the inside, not only the outside. I'm sure that you are every bit as cute as you claim to be *giggles* but you're even more beautiful on the inside. :) Your personality is very attractive *g*

*huggles forever*
Your Wondermoose <3 <3 <3

[chrystimd.livejournal.com]

You get up in the morning because you are you, and that indomitable Nevvie cheerfulness reasserts itself and you come into my life and brighten my day so much...I just love you!! Keep being you, and all will be well, forever. Now, let's see about that pedicure...

Re: *forever hugs*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Thank you my dearest Leah. *holds you tight*

I am playful and cheery and cute, I always hope that's enough to make people like me, but I know it isn't. Sigh.

I thought you had already seen pictures of me? Here are some I took about two weeks ago with Mr Webcam.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Oh Chrysti, you are such an unquenchable burst of sunshine, thank you so much for being here for me. *squeeeeze*

[silverowlwings.livejournal.com]

If I was older and had the means, I would hop a plane to jolly ol' England, hunt you down, and give you a hug. I mean, why not? I've always wanted to visit the UK anyway, and I'd sure love to meet you.

Alas, I cannot at this point in life, so this will have to suffice for now:
*hugs*

People who judge only by looks are not worth the worry. I'm sure you're a beautiful person on the surface (judging by the little pictures I've seen :D), and you've certainly got a lovely personality!

I always remember a little quote from Dr. Seuss in situations like these:
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."

Keep carrying the sprig of rowan! I wish you luck and a much happier day tomorrow. *hugs*

Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

It's a shame people are so shallow. I've been talking to a friend who was once anorexic and she's been telling me how overweight women actually have better sex lives according to the statistics - she's a statistician and although she still fights the battle of accepting herself at a higher than supermodel weight, she has been collecting information about weight for several years and has found several interesting things. I will try to put together what she has sent me over the past few months. I wished I had thought to save those conversations.

Still that doesn't help the career, does it? :(

It seems to me that what we need is an acting troop of real size women and put on stuff to put curves back where they belong.

Okay....
I guess I better work on being a successful writer so someone can fund this...

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*chuckles*
Thank you for reminding me that I am pounced on by people here every day. ;-)

*squiggle-squeeeze*

Re: Nevviekins

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I think I need a time machine so I can become an artist's model in the 18th century. Big really was beautiful back then. *hugs*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I love Dr. Seuss. :)

Thanks so much for the virtual plane ride and hug, honestly, it really is appreciated. *squish*

I know I'm cute, but people don't see that, they only see the flab. Or at least, I feel like all anyone ever sees is my blubber. Stupid stomach.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

I would have to go back to the 15th century (or was it the 13th) to be lusted after for my body alone.

Not that there aren't some guys now who love getting physical with someone who's more woman than most men can handle. ;) Hey! At least my body can fuel the hormones and really let me enjoy the experience.

*huggles*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I hate writing things like this. I almost considered not writing it all, I try so hard to keep my journal a happy, cheerful place, and entries like this just seem so out of character.

But I desperately needed to get my feelings out, I can't keep crying inside.

I think it's a night of chocolate and dvds. Maybe a bubbly bath. And hot cocoa. Yes. :)

Re: *huggles*

[caersidi.livejournal.com]

This is what you have been feeling and it is quite right to express it and not hold it in. Tears held inside are terrible things.

You are one of the most bouncy and cheerful people I know on LJ. However, that you have this type of day and these kind of insecurities at times only deepens my sense of connection with you.

You are beautiful inside and out.

[belladonnastrap.livejournal.com]

I haven't known you long but I guess it doesn't matter since what I'm about to say has been echoed by all the other comments you have. If singing & acting don't bring you as much joy as they used to perhaps you can take a break from it for awhile and re evaluate. Take some time off, immerse yourself with the things/people you love and try and reach some sort of doable conclusion.

Personally I for one think you're a beautiful woman inside and out and the rest of them can stick it up their...well you know. The trick is to keep breathing. *hugs and pomegranates*

Re: Nevviekins

[belladonnastrap.livejournal.com]

It's funny. Here in the US you're taught (well at least I was) that being rail thin is absolutely goregous and if you're more then a size 6 you're a fat cow and europe will appreciate you better since they're "into that sort of thing." It's disgusting. If you do manage to travel back in time to the 18th century let me know! I'd love to wear wanton dresses every single day and inspire millions of men with my exotic beauty (HAH!)

[gilneas.livejournal.com]

Ah, sweetie. Sometimes you just need those days... they make the happier ones seem so much better.

[storme]

Sigh.

You know, I always found it amusing that the girls in my school with boyfriends were the, ahem, plumper ones amongst us. The thin, classically pretty ones never got any attention. I have no idea why this was the case, but it was so. *I* never lacked for male attention, and I'm what, a size 16, 18?

But it does hurt that I can't go buy clothes without having to check that they do larger sizes. And it hurts that I look in the mirror and see a double chin. It hurts that I will never have a flat stomach, and that I will never look good in sleeveless tops. It's a harsh world.

But here's the thing: you *are* cute. You look good in every photo I've seen, and in real life too. Hell, Neil Gaiman thinks you're cute. And you are one of the nicest people I've had the pleasure of meeting.

*hugs* We all love you, Nevvie.

Re: *forever hugs*

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Anyone who knows me knows I never pander to people to make them feel good, and an known to be rather harsh, but those pictures are quite beautiful. If you lived here, I'd have you in our productions easily. If everyone fit one mold, how boring we would be.

I have several close friends who are heavier than the norm, one is a dancer, and they do get that treatment. It comes from people so frail and insecure with themselves that they react this way to anyone who dares to be different and still perseveres. It seems a twisted form of jealousy and it is. If you weren't worth their efforts, they would ignore you, but that they ridicule means you've touched a nerve and scared them. There is power in who you are, all you have to do is take it. I get all sorts of harrassment and ridicule, anyone of any worth does like you wouldn't believe, but I'd hate to see you let them stop you from what you love. Find what works with you and go with that.

What better training for the needed thick skin than dealing with the ignorant. I am in no way classically handsome, but I managed through will, perseverence, a decent voice, and a strong and singular presence to make my mark as an actor, dancer, and even model. I became handsome on my own terms, if that makes any sense, and others now agree. I even play the heroes, though I'd rather play the villains now that I am old enough to be interesting and not forever the ingenue.

Dear Nevvie

[cat-irix.livejournal.com]

It's so sad to see you so depressed. I don't see any reason to pay attention to the opinion of some stupid gits who don't even know you ! look how many friends you have, and how many people love you for what you are ! you're intelligent, witty, charming; and although I've never seen you in RL, seeing from your piccies, you're extremely pretty, too !

I'm sure you'll succeed with your job if only you say to yourself "I can do it" and really believe it and don't let anybody to convince you otherwise, after all, who knows you better than yourself ?

So take a relaxing bath and think of all the people who love you and how many good things are out there in the world if you're ready to appreciate them :)

(((hugs)))

[madpixie.livejournal.com]

Awww **hugs**

you are lovely.......don't let the bastards get you down hon :-(
xxxxxxxx

Re: *forever hugs*

[ex-bluerhaps882.livejournal.com]

of course I've seen piccies of you. You look cute as always *G*

*huggles and bibbles* hehe

[pinion.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
youre a brave girl, nevvie. you get out there and you face the world and do things. I hide. Im too afraid.
but we'll both get there.
youre beautiful, and have the pingiest hair ever. :) dont hide yourself away.

Re: *huggles*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Thank you for saying such kind things, it isn't often that someone says your bad days help them connect with you as much as the good ones. :)

I've only recently learned to not hold my tears inside, but unfortunately I haven't learned to control them -- instead of bottling up my emotions like I used to, now they come flooding out in a raging torment, whether I want them to or not. I suppose that's better than keeping it all scrunched up inside, but I wish I could find a compromise.

[mlfoley.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

Acting can be cruel. It's very sad to see extremely unhealthy women propped up as models to all women. In fact, it's quite disgusting.

However, I can definitely relate to you. I don't really know what to say, except that anyone who judges you on your size (and you do not look to be that big, though admittedly all I've seen are face shots) isn't worth your while.

In other words, you rock and don't let idiots get you down. They're not worth it, though trust me, I don't practice what I preach. *grins and hugs*