My heart is sick of being in chains
Oct. 11th, 2002 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neverwhereWhat a bloody awful day.
I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.
I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.
I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.
A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.
Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*
The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.
I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.
I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.
I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.
A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.
Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*
The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 03:20 pm (UTC)Acting can be cruel. It's very sad to see extremely unhealthy women propped up as models to all women. In fact, it's quite disgusting.
However, I can definitely relate to you. I don't really know what to say, except that anyone who judges you on your size (and you do not look to be that big, though admittedly all I've seen are face shots) isn't worth your while.
In other words, you rock and don't let idiots get you down. They're not worth it, though trust me, I don't practice what I preach. *grins and hugs*
no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 03:29 pm (UTC)I only ever take face shots, because I'm too ashamed of the rest of me. My face, I know, is cute. I can handle showing off my face. Just not anything else. :)
*huggles*
Re:
Date: 2002-10-11 03:49 pm (UTC)