My heart is sick of being in chains
Oct. 11th, 2002 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neverwhereWhat a bloody awful day.
I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.
I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.
I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.
A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.
Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*
The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.
I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.
I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.
I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.
A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.
Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*
The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
*tight squeeze*
Date: 2002-10-11 03:35 pm (UTC)it's a tough road, but you have many friends here who want you to know what you mean to them... you are special.. and that's not coming from your mother.. that's coming from me, and everyone else here who knows you...
tell you what... i'll start sending some of my boys your way to make you feel better... i know you probably don't want them, but the attention is alway welcome.... ;)
*unlocks handcuffs of two men in the closet*
Here you go, Nevvie... they are yours for the weekend... their names are Tristan and Andrew... :D remember them??
enjoy.. and no sharing!!!
Re: *tight squeeze*
Date: 2002-10-11 04:40 pm (UTC)I love you Kara. You make everything wonderful. *holds you tight and spins you around*
And Mmmmmmm....Tristan. *grins* ;-)
Re: *tight squeeze*
Date: 2002-10-11 05:08 pm (UTC)Re: *tight squeeze*
Date: 2002-10-11 06:32 pm (UTC)So do I Kara. *sighs sadly*
The house feels so empty without you and Aly. And it's certainly alot messier. ;-)