My heart is sick of being in chains

[neverwhere]

What a bloody awful day.

I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.

I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.

I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.

A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.

Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*

The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.

Comments

Chin Up ;)

[ravynne.livejournal.com]

I have only been on your friends list for a little while and I aleays enjoy reading your posts. Dont ever feel like you cant post your rotten feelings too! No one expects you to be bubbly ALL the time :) I used to suffer from the "Always happy on the outside" illness too- and I was always torn up on the inside. Then a few years ago I decided I was tired of always listening to others problems and never sharing my own. You are entitled to your crappy days too dangit! ;)
I know what you mean about people looking at you and making you feel like a blob of nothingness- I developed this attitude a few years ago and have been like "You dont like me bc Im fat? Your problem not mine- one less card I have to buy at Christmas"
Just be yourself- whether you feel happy and bubbly or bitchy and melancholy- you are here to please yourself and make YOUR life happy and if other people cant see that you are fun and giving and PRETTY then to be frank & crass- fuck them. Who needs their pettiness bringing you down! Patooey on them! Bah I say! Most people are sheep- they may as well be clones bc they cant think for themselves. If you are getting burned out from the acting then in my opinion you would be a WONDERFUL tour guide! :) You could take a break from it all to travel and see the world! I have been on enough tours where I would much rather have a fun upbeat woman to chat and talk with than some stuffy bore who doesnt even really like people. Think of the adventure! The excitement! The new horizons! The free travel! :) Buck up lil camper! :):) HUGS

Re: Chin Up ;)

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

I was a tour guide in an art museum one summer. That was fun. *G*
I'm not sure I could be patient enough to handle whingy tourists all day though. ;-)

*squishes*

Re: Chin Up ;)

[ravynne.livejournal.com]

hehe very true! There are a lot of whiners! I say lead a group to another land then plan lots of *Free Time* excursions. Then you can escape them and explore! ;) (at least til they hunt you down to complain about the food they ate that wasnt cooked right, or their broken shoelace, or some other petty mundane detail lol)