My heart is sick of being in chains
Oct. 11th, 2002 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neverwhereWhat a bloody awful day.
I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.
I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.
I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.
A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.
Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*
The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.
I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.
I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.
I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.
A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.
Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*
The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.
I love you the way you are!
Date: 2002-10-12 04:20 am (UTC)OK, I'm late again. Just want to add my two ( hundred? ;-P ) Knuts so that you don't think I've forgotten you. First: Don't feel that you have to keep this LJ a happy, bubbly place *always*! It's fun to read and makes people's days just that bit brighter, but I, for one, love to be "let in on" all aspects of the people I care about. It makes the relationship more... dimensional. You have the right to have bad days as well as anybody else, and what's more, if you feel that way your friends want to know so that we can help... at least in whatever way an online friend can!
I know the feelings of uselessness myself; I know what it feels like sitting home alone on a Friday night ( I read a book by Isaac Asimov yesterday, before going to bed! ); I know what it feels like when you can't do something in your job ( or life! ) that everybody else seems able to do. *But* I also know about the feelings of accomplishment and pride, sometimes just in the little things. I know you're a happy and optimistic person normally, and I know you have lots of talent in many things. Look at how many friends you have out here! OK, so some of us won't ever meet you "IRL", but we're no figment of somebody's imagination, we're real, in-the-flesh people who care about you! ( Some ppl diss us who mostly have internet friends, but what do *they* know? Narrow-minded, unimaginative losers, they are! )
Yes, this society is very much focussed on looks, and the "rules" they set up for what's considered "beauty" have ruined many ppl's lives ( I'm talking about for example anorectics. ). All people are different; we come in many shapes and forms; the majority of us wouldn't ever be able to look like the models, but still we get friends, boyfriends and families ( not me, but most ppl! ) and, darnit, the world is *full* of beautiful ppl in all shapes and sizes! You are one of them.
To me, personally, the inside of a person is more important than the outside ( one of the reasons I love internet communities ) and you're a wonderful person, *but* I think you're pretty on the outside too! The ppl who give you nasty looks just because you're somewhat more than skin and bones are very rude and shallow ppl. They need to learn how to respect their fellow human beings. I understand that their actions hurt, but try to remember it's ultimately *their* loss that they're predjudiced! They miss so many good things in life, and in their fellow humans, just because they're brainwashed by TV and commercials and stupid beauty magazines!
Yes, I know acting is one of the professions where they focus the most on looks. But you're *you*, you can't just mold yourself into the shape "they" would prefer. You're pretty the way you are, and if you're healthy at the weight you are, there's no need to do anything about it. But, if you think *you* would feel happier about yourself if you lost some weight, just go for it! You have to know what *you* want, what *you* find it worth fighting for! Find what's best in you, what you like the most about yourself, and bring it out! Compete with *that*; there are many ppl who don't have what you have!
*CYBER-HUGS* AQUI