My heart is sick of being in chains

[neverwhere]

What a bloody awful day.

I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.

I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.

I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.

A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.

Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*

The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.

Comments

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

I am lucky to still live alone, for my perpetual experiments would likely upset a housemate. I learned the most from an old Chinese herbalist who could do the most amazing things, but what I do is not necessarily what I would teach.
I've managed to keep mywork most discreet, except for the time a visitor drank from one of the cloudy and colored liquids sitting in the back of the refrigerator, that was interesting.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I hope they survived.

I try to keep my creations on the mild side - it's a mother thing. (Not that I am ignorant of some of the more potent stuff.) But I do intend to have a workshop/lab one of these days - if only to do my soap, stained glass and ceramics.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Yes, the nature of this beast was not at all deadly, but anyone who would without a thought drink from the cloudy grey bottle in the back might not be missed by the gene pool and will likely walk into a speeding train because the lights were so pretty. :-)

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Very good point. A candidate for the Darwin Awards definitely. I would never drink anything grey unless I created it myself and knew what was in it.

People amaze me.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

They are forever entertaining. The Darwin Awards are my favourite yearly humour.