(no subject)

[neverwhere]

Sometimes I wonder how other people see me.

When I look in the mirror, I see alot of different things. Sometimes I see a cute, curly haired Hobbit lass, with a bright smile and dimples, and I like her. At least, I do until I look below the neck, and see my body. Then I rarely like what I see, and even when I think 'I'm not so bad' I still don't feel comfortable.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a happy, cheerful person, who's content with her life and feels at ease in the world. But most of the time I see a scared, lonely girl, who constantly lives in the past, unable to forget all the terrible things that happened to her, and can't move on to have a better life in the present.

Sometimes I think when people look at me they still see a frightened teenager, afraid to even look at people for fear of being ridiculed or attacked. Or they still see someone to attack, that I'm still an easy target for mockery, and that everywhere I go people are whispering about me, laughing and pointing like they used to do.

I wonder if people see my body as better or worse than I do -- is my bum bigger through their eyes than with mine? Do I really look like a Cabbage Patch Doll?
Do people think of me only as a fat person, instead of just a person?

I don't know. And I really wish I did.

Comments

[colours.livejournal.com]

self-image is a curious thing. i see myself as a little capsule of everything i've been thru, which most people obviously can't see just by looking at me. strangers treat me differently depending on how i've dressed myself that day - baggy jeans, or short skirts with knee high boots, which amuses me sometimes :o)

they just see what they want to see, usually. people like to put strangers into little boxes depending on what they wear or what their body language expresses. make a nice row of boxes all along the pavement.

eek, this all sounds just a little mad