(no subject)

[neverwhere]

Sometimes I wonder how other people see me.

When I look in the mirror, I see alot of different things. Sometimes I see a cute, curly haired Hobbit lass, with a bright smile and dimples, and I like her. At least, I do until I look below the neck, and see my body. Then I rarely like what I see, and even when I think 'I'm not so bad' I still don't feel comfortable.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a happy, cheerful person, who's content with her life and feels at ease in the world. But most of the time I see a scared, lonely girl, who constantly lives in the past, unable to forget all the terrible things that happened to her, and can't move on to have a better life in the present.

Sometimes I think when people look at me they still see a frightened teenager, afraid to even look at people for fear of being ridiculed or attacked. Or they still see someone to attack, that I'm still an easy target for mockery, and that everywhere I go people are whispering about me, laughing and pointing like they used to do.

I wonder if people see my body as better or worse than I do -- is my bum bigger through their eyes than with mine? Do I really look like a Cabbage Patch Doll?
Do people think of me only as a fat person, instead of just a person?

I don't know. And I really wish I did.

Comments

Look at the words I parrot back to you...

[shortypenguin.livejournal.com]

Do people think of me only as a fat person, instead of just a person?

That's so true. Ever since 6th grade, being "Fat" has been a part of me. I've forgotten how to be me. I'm just...fat. It's become my main purpose in life. I'm not cheerful, or happy, or even a person. I'm just....FAT.

I'm going to leagally change my name to that, don't you know...

-crawls off-.

[colours.livejournal.com]

self-image is a curious thing. i see myself as a little capsule of everything i've been thru, which most people obviously can't see just by looking at me. strangers treat me differently depending on how i've dressed myself that day - baggy jeans, or short skirts with knee high boots, which amuses me sometimes :o)

they just see what they want to see, usually. people like to put strangers into little boxes depending on what they wear or what their body language expresses. make a nice row of boxes all along the pavement.

eek, this all sounds just a little mad

[terabithiabeth.livejournal.com]

A smile and a hug for you.

*hugs*

[clintonswish.livejournal.com]

Nevvie,

It shouldn't be about how other people percieve you, but how you percieve yourself. If you feel and look happy, other people will see you as a happy person. You aren't fat! God, you know what I'm like, I have very bad perception of myself, i think i'm huge, even though everyone tells me I'm not... but if I make myself believe I'm not, then other people won't see me as a fat person... how do *you* define fat? Why should you care if you are 5,10,20 even 30kg heavier than everyone else? It's whats inside that counts, and if you let the outside dominate you, you can never be the bright, happy person you want, it will be overcome and smothered by hurtful feelings of imaginary fat and the feeling that it's what's on the outside that counts.... and thats not true! If you look beautiful on the inside, you look twice as beautiful on the outside, no matter what the body looks like.. *hugs* cheer up (i hope that all made sense)

Swishy

Nevvers

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

People are too varied to see any one person the same way. For every person who sees you as undesirable, there is always another who see you as an uncomparable beauty.

You must try to see yourself as you would if you were a friend. All our love for you will never replace how you see yourself.

[silverwraith.livejournal.com]

reading your post, I couldn't help but think "wow, she sounds SO MUCH like what I say to myself all the time..." I struggle with those same things all the time.

let me know whenever you figure it out, hmm? and share the knowledge with me so I'll at least be able to accept myself as one thing or another.

S.

Buck up lil camper

[ravynne.livejournal.com]

You remind me so much of my best friend. She is ALWAYS more worried about what people think of her than how she feels about them. She had a rotten childhood and people in school used to give her shit- not for being heavy (she is chubby but wasnt really chubby in school) she was teased bc she grew up in Miami and went to a mostly Cuban school- she is not Cuban and hence why she was teased. HOWEVER she still worried that other people are going to treat her that way. So I will tell you what I told her: (Except I have known her so long I added the "Get off the cross someone else needs the wood" line to her talk ;) ) Who gives a rats ass what those morons that treated you bad think? What are the odds of seeing them again? And if the new/now people in your life are giving you crap the good thing about being an adult is you dont have to be around those people. You are going to have to learn to love yourself Girlfriend. As they say in the Lion King- Hakuna Matata its in Da past- forget about what people said to make you feel bad and start living your life without looking over your shoulder. In all honesty the people we think are staring and plotting against us arent really looking at us at all. They dont care about you and you are giving them to much credit worrying about them. Dont give the Shadow People power over you by worrying that the all ominous THEY is watching and scrutinizing your every move. Stand tall, walk tall and even when you are scared shitless act as if you are invincible. My words may seem harsh but I am a "pull yourself up by your bootstrings" person. I dont mean them harshly I am just trying to help. :) People only see who you want them to see period. So if you want them to see a confident woman or a girly hobbit or a fat person that is what they will see. Start loving yourself first- You have many good qualities so focus on those- because you are the only person you are ever guaranteed to be with for your entire life. *HUGS*

[eyre-lasgalen.livejournal.com]

How do I see you? Well, I'll tell you. First off, I see you as much more comfortable than you feel. You don't look like you're always uncomfortable in you body, which is good. I always feel uncomfortable in mine, and I feel like I look it as well.

I know that you're not always happy, and that's fine. I've seen you both ways, and you remind me of me. (Terrible to say, but true) In you, when you are unhappy, I see myself, especially how I was only a year and a half ago. Lonely, sad and mad at everything and everybody. Irritable and hopeless and feeling so hideous and unloved. But that's not YOU. That's just a part of you like the happy and hyper Nevvie who everyone loves. How do you get rid of that Nevvie? I don't know. I managed that part of me with anti-depressants and therapy. But it is still a part of me, and I just have to DEAL.

A part of being human is that we can't see how other people see us, and it's probably better that way. just think about when you hear your own voice on tape, or see yourself on video.....it's always grotesque (or atleast it is in my own experience). That view is distorted, of course, but if I had to see myself like that all the time, I couldn't live with myself.

If it helps in the slightest, I've never looked at you and though "Nevvie looks so fat" or anything bad at all. When I first saw you at Heathrow, I though you looked totally cool. I thought "there's Nevvie, one of the best people I've ever known, and I can't believe I get to meet her". I knew I was the envy of just about everyone in Ravenclaw, because they all want to meet you, and none of the good ones care one damn bit what you look like. Just as long as you have the purple hair.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

What's wrong with being like you? I think you're wonderful. :)

I never thought you were uncomfortable with yourself like that -- I always saw you as stylish and extremely cool -- perhaps not as confident as Kara, but then, lets face it, few people are. *grins*

Ai, how I wish you were still here! Then we could reassure each other and say how much we love and admire our dear friends.

[ellen-drell.livejournal.com]

Aw, Nevvie! ::hugs:: I've only seen a few pics of you here online, but I think you are very pretty! (Lol, Cabbage Patch Kids? ^_^ I had a friend when I was little who used to make Cabbage Patch faces at me. Haha, just push your cheeks together and try to smile. It was very funny! But I both think we looked a lot like Caggabe Patch Kids without the distortion factor. ^~)

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder why people would even want to be seen near me. Then, other days, I think maybe I'm even a bit pretty. I guess I'll never quite make up my mind.

You know what we all need? ::runs off:: These! ::passes out self-confidence booster shakes:: Yum yum! ::pulls a cheesy grin and takes a swig:: ^_^ (I feel like I'm stuck in some super-corny commercial for Slim Fast or something...)

::huggles again:: Feel better, Nevvie! And, remember, I'll always think of you as a very sweet and wonderful person! Truly, you are one of my very best friends on LJ. And we all love you here, don't you know? ^___^

Have a good day, k? Lurve ya, you special mate, you. =^~=

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Awwww thank you! You're such a sweetheart. *smooches*

*toasts with Took Nog* Here's to the Hobbit wenches! :D

[ellen-drell.livejournal.com]

::makes little, fancy air-kisses:: ^_^ Your rather welcome! I'm glad I could do my small bit to help some. ^^

::toasts Nog and takes a swig:: To the wenches!!

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, pfft. I see gorgeous spiffy Nev girl. As for the rest of the world, who cares? You've got my affection, so what more d'ye need?

(I'm quite arrogant today, you'll note *gryn*)

*hugs and hugs and hugs for you*

Besides, whoever heard of an anorexic Hobbit lass? Laughable. Be true to your heritage!

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

It's true. I don't need anything more. :))

[eyre-lasgalen.livejournal.com]

I forgot to say that you don't have to worry about looking like a Cabbage Patch Doll. Trust me. Kara's sister Kelly.........now THERE'S a CPD. She doesn't have knuckles, or a neck to speak of.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*LOL*

She just seems to get more freakish every day. :D

[snowelf.livejournal.com]

You know, I really wish you could see yourself as the fabulous person I see you as.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*blushes furiously* :))))

no no no

[(Anonymous)]

Nevvie, you are NOT FAT. Really. I promise!

Hobbit lass is a good description: cute, pretty, happy-looking. My first impressions of you were 'she looks really friendly and lovely'.

Take care and don't fret,
Tanya (who really must get her act together and meet up with you again...)

*LONG POSTING AHEAD*

[lady-aquila.livejournal.com]

I always wonder that myself, how do people see me? I used to feel that I needed to know the truth so that I could act from it and not from false assumptions. But when I talked to the two or three people I considered my closest friends, I could never get any straight answers. I kept asking: What do you want from a friend, why do you prefer those other people to me, how do I do to make friends like you do? But this is probably the biggest reason for all of humanity's problems: we can't communicate clearly enough; we can never share how we think or feel in an unambigous way.

I totally understand how you feel, except for me the problem is social inadequacy instead of weight. I kinda addressed this in Irix' LJ too; where does all this guilt, all these percieved demands, all this trying to live up to somebody else's ideal of perfection come from? It's totally destructive really, but I find I can't free myself from this kind of thinking. We always have to compete, be compared, to get what we want, whether it's a job or a boy-/girlfriend. It's the way human society works, and I wish I knew how to fight it because it's needed. It destroys so many wonderful people with lots of potential.

I think you need to find balance in your image of yourself. You mention all these things that you sometimes are, sometimes aren't. If you try to integrate all of the sides into how you picture yourself ( except "fat"; you aren't "fat"! ), accept that the scared little girl is a part of your past and as such will always be a part of you, but at the same time you're also an optimistic, fun, talented, artistic and interesting person. Then you can focus on the things you ( and your friends ) like about you, strengthen and develop those strengths and use them to counteract the aspects of yourself you don't like.
*scratches head* Do I make sense here?

And, if you wonder how people see you, I have to say it probably depends on whether it's a first impression / casual aquaintance or a collegue / friend. People tend to put everything they percieve in categories to be able to organize their world. It would be total chaos if every thing, person or event was totally new. This is not necessarily bad, but it can be bad if you can't look beyond these categories. It also depends on how you meet the person in question, is it in person, over the phone, or over the internet. I tend to feel that the less "physical" stuff involved, and the more you get to know the "mind" of a person, the better it is. Other people can't relate to somebody they can't hear and/or touch. So, yes, some people may see you as a "fat girl", others may think you're very pretty. But this is only the first impression, albeit important, it's not the "truth". I'm sure the people who know you think you're a lovely, pretty person, based on a combination of personality and physical traits. Ignore the people who can't see beyond predjudice!

And, as somebody mentioned above, love yourself ( or at least accept and appreciate, "love" sounds a lot like Lockhart! ;-) and find strength in all of your positive sides, and people won't be mean to you. OK, there will always be some nasty people, but that happens to all of us. Normal people respect a nice person with a healthy self-confidence, but some of them can easily be drawn into bad behaviour by some "rotten apple" if you show too much vulnerability / lack of self-confidence. And then it easily turns into a bad circle. I know that from personal experience. Accept yourself and you will find strength in that. Don't let some nasty people's whispers behind your back hurt you too much. They will stop when they see they can't hurt you.

Yeah, this is all very easy to write, but to do it? I haven't succeeded yet myself. But I've been pretty lucky; nobody has bullied me for over ten years now. Sometimes people in general are nicer than we give them credit for...

*hugs*

[queeniefox.livejournal.com]

I can assure you from the photos I've seen you do not look like a cabbage patch doll! You look like a lovely fun woman with extremly cool hair!

I absolutly hate looking at pictures of myself becuase I think I look so young. For my birthday a couple of weeks ago my best friend did a collage of candid (and all rather silly)photos of me and my first thought was 'agggh!'. But when I actually looked at them I saw how good they were becuase I actually looked happy and glowing as opposed to when I pose for pictures and stiffen up beucase I think I look so dreadful. My point is (I do have one, honest!) is that your true friends see who you really are and bring your true self out of you. Anyone else doesn't matter.

[http://users.livejournal.com/hugsnkisses_/]

I have nothing new or insightful to add to all of this, especially with all those wonderful other comments left. Just wanted to say 'yeah', and that if I were more than an unarticulate fool who is running on 4 hours sleep I'd be writing something lovely too.

It's the thought that counts right? You still love me don't you?

~Hnk

[anfalas.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, Self confidence is tangible.

Live for yourself. And no one else because IMHO at the end of the day you have to go to sleep and hear your own voice inside your own head. (now that sounded like I am mildly schizophrenic..fear not! I only hear the voices I don't talk back ;))

But really, you're a gorgeous person *cuddles*. But I think that it's you that needs to find that because no matter how many times we huggle or say that we love you, if you don't believe it about yourself then we're only putting a bandaid on the problem.