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Nov. 5th, 2002 12:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neverwhereSometimes I wonder how other people see me.
When I look in the mirror, I see alot of different things. Sometimes I see a cute, curly haired Hobbit lass, with a bright smile and dimples, and I like her. At least, I do until I look below the neck, and see my body. Then I rarely like what I see, and even when I think 'I'm not so bad' I still don't feel comfortable.
Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a happy, cheerful person, who's content with her life and feels at ease in the world. But most of the time I see a scared, lonely girl, who constantly lives in the past, unable to forget all the terrible things that happened to her, and can't move on to have a better life in the present.
Sometimes I think when people look at me they still see a frightened teenager, afraid to even look at people for fear of being ridiculed or attacked. Or they still see someone to attack, that I'm still an easy target for mockery, and that everywhere I go people are whispering about me, laughing and pointing like they used to do.
I wonder if people see my body as better or worse than I do -- is my bum bigger through their eyes than with mine? Do I really look like a Cabbage Patch Doll?
Do people think of me only as a fat person, instead of just a person?
I don't know. And I really wish I did.
When I look in the mirror, I see alot of different things. Sometimes I see a cute, curly haired Hobbit lass, with a bright smile and dimples, and I like her. At least, I do until I look below the neck, and see my body. Then I rarely like what I see, and even when I think 'I'm not so bad' I still don't feel comfortable.
Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a happy, cheerful person, who's content with her life and feels at ease in the world. But most of the time I see a scared, lonely girl, who constantly lives in the past, unable to forget all the terrible things that happened to her, and can't move on to have a better life in the present.
Sometimes I think when people look at me they still see a frightened teenager, afraid to even look at people for fear of being ridiculed or attacked. Or they still see someone to attack, that I'm still an easy target for mockery, and that everywhere I go people are whispering about me, laughing and pointing like they used to do.
I wonder if people see my body as better or worse than I do -- is my bum bigger through their eyes than with mine? Do I really look like a Cabbage Patch Doll?
Do people think of me only as a fat person, instead of just a person?
I don't know. And I really wish I did.
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*hugs*
Date: 2002-11-04 06:50 pm (UTC)It shouldn't be about how other people percieve you, but how you percieve yourself. If you feel and look happy, other people will see you as a happy person. You aren't fat! God, you know what I'm like, I have very bad perception of myself, i think i'm huge, even though everyone tells me I'm not... but if I make myself believe I'm not, then other people won't see me as a fat person... how do *you* define fat? Why should you care if you are 5,10,20 even 30kg heavier than everyone else? It's whats inside that counts, and if you let the outside dominate you, you can never be the bright, happy person you want, it will be overcome and smothered by hurtful feelings of imaginary fat and the feeling that it's what's on the outside that counts.... and thats not true! If you look beautiful on the inside, you look twice as beautiful on the outside, no matter what the body looks like.. *hugs* cheer up (i hope that all made sense)
Swishy