(no subject)

[neverwhere]

Sometimes I wonder how other people see me.

When I look in the mirror, I see alot of different things. Sometimes I see a cute, curly haired Hobbit lass, with a bright smile and dimples, and I like her. At least, I do until I look below the neck, and see my body. Then I rarely like what I see, and even when I think 'I'm not so bad' I still don't feel comfortable.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a happy, cheerful person, who's content with her life and feels at ease in the world. But most of the time I see a scared, lonely girl, who constantly lives in the past, unable to forget all the terrible things that happened to her, and can't move on to have a better life in the present.

Sometimes I think when people look at me they still see a frightened teenager, afraid to even look at people for fear of being ridiculed or attacked. Or they still see someone to attack, that I'm still an easy target for mockery, and that everywhere I go people are whispering about me, laughing and pointing like they used to do.

I wonder if people see my body as better or worse than I do -- is my bum bigger through their eyes than with mine? Do I really look like a Cabbage Patch Doll?
Do people think of me only as a fat person, instead of just a person?

I don't know. And I really wish I did.

Comments

Buck up lil camper

[ravynne.livejournal.com]

You remind me so much of my best friend. She is ALWAYS more worried about what people think of her than how she feels about them. She had a rotten childhood and people in school used to give her shit- not for being heavy (she is chubby but wasnt really chubby in school) she was teased bc she grew up in Miami and went to a mostly Cuban school- she is not Cuban and hence why she was teased. HOWEVER she still worried that other people are going to treat her that way. So I will tell you what I told her: (Except I have known her so long I added the "Get off the cross someone else needs the wood" line to her talk ;) ) Who gives a rats ass what those morons that treated you bad think? What are the odds of seeing them again? And if the new/now people in your life are giving you crap the good thing about being an adult is you dont have to be around those people. You are going to have to learn to love yourself Girlfriend. As they say in the Lion King- Hakuna Matata its in Da past- forget about what people said to make you feel bad and start living your life without looking over your shoulder. In all honesty the people we think are staring and plotting against us arent really looking at us at all. They dont care about you and you are giving them to much credit worrying about them. Dont give the Shadow People power over you by worrying that the all ominous THEY is watching and scrutinizing your every move. Stand tall, walk tall and even when you are scared shitless act as if you are invincible. My words may seem harsh but I am a "pull yourself up by your bootstrings" person. I dont mean them harshly I am just trying to help. :) People only see who you want them to see period. So if you want them to see a confident woman or a girly hobbit or a fat person that is what they will see. Start loving yourself first- You have many good qualities so focus on those- because you are the only person you are ever guaranteed to be with for your entire life. *HUGS*