(no subject)

[neverwhere]

Sometimes I wonder how other people see me.

When I look in the mirror, I see alot of different things. Sometimes I see a cute, curly haired Hobbit lass, with a bright smile and dimples, and I like her. At least, I do until I look below the neck, and see my body. Then I rarely like what I see, and even when I think 'I'm not so bad' I still don't feel comfortable.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a happy, cheerful person, who's content with her life and feels at ease in the world. But most of the time I see a scared, lonely girl, who constantly lives in the past, unable to forget all the terrible things that happened to her, and can't move on to have a better life in the present.

Sometimes I think when people look at me they still see a frightened teenager, afraid to even look at people for fear of being ridiculed or attacked. Or they still see someone to attack, that I'm still an easy target for mockery, and that everywhere I go people are whispering about me, laughing and pointing like they used to do.

I wonder if people see my body as better or worse than I do -- is my bum bigger through their eyes than with mine? Do I really look like a Cabbage Patch Doll?
Do people think of me only as a fat person, instead of just a person?

I don't know. And I really wish I did.

Comments

[eyre-lasgalen.livejournal.com]

How do I see you? Well, I'll tell you. First off, I see you as much more comfortable than you feel. You don't look like you're always uncomfortable in you body, which is good. I always feel uncomfortable in mine, and I feel like I look it as well.

I know that you're not always happy, and that's fine. I've seen you both ways, and you remind me of me. (Terrible to say, but true) In you, when you are unhappy, I see myself, especially how I was only a year and a half ago. Lonely, sad and mad at everything and everybody. Irritable and hopeless and feeling so hideous and unloved. But that's not YOU. That's just a part of you like the happy and hyper Nevvie who everyone loves. How do you get rid of that Nevvie? I don't know. I managed that part of me with anti-depressants and therapy. But it is still a part of me, and I just have to DEAL.

A part of being human is that we can't see how other people see us, and it's probably better that way. just think about when you hear your own voice on tape, or see yourself on video.....it's always grotesque (or atleast it is in my own experience). That view is distorted, of course, but if I had to see myself like that all the time, I couldn't live with myself.

If it helps in the slightest, I've never looked at you and though "Nevvie looks so fat" or anything bad at all. When I first saw you at Heathrow, I though you looked totally cool. I thought "there's Nevvie, one of the best people I've ever known, and I can't believe I get to meet her". I knew I was the envy of just about everyone in Ravenclaw, because they all want to meet you, and none of the good ones care one damn bit what you look like. Just as long as you have the purple hair.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

What's wrong with being like you? I think you're wonderful. :)

I never thought you were uncomfortable with yourself like that -- I always saw you as stylish and extremely cool -- perhaps not as confident as Kara, but then, lets face it, few people are. *grins*

Ai, how I wish you were still here! Then we could reassure each other and say how much we love and admire our dear friends.