My heart is sick of being in chains

[neverwhere]

What a bloody awful day.

I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.

I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.

I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.

A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.

Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*

The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.

Comments

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

...and men who look like me could make a good living as highwaymen ... take me back too.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

All right. Scratch funding the acting troop.

Alternative community anyone?

(Must finish polishing novel and submit to agent.)

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

hehehe, I've got one loosely planned ... just need the funding or success to support a life without the constraints of artificial standards, bring back formal balls, real villains, fancy dress, and duels at dawn. Acting troupe can fund this ...

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Well, I study alternative built and powered housing, wells and septic systems (private and municipal) as a hobby.

We could have the best of both worlds and have hobbit holes for those who want them to boot.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Now that is a worthy hobby! Welcome aboard. Arts community? Nahhh, empire!

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Muahahaha...

Always nice to meet someone else who thinks big. And people wonder how I once ended up as Head of Slytherin ;)

It would be fun to bring to life. Passive solar homes, wind mills, natural waste treatments, self-purify swimming ponds, rain cisterns to supplement well water, companion and rotational planting - using Nature to her fullest.

And have a slower paced community where people create art, writing, music, dance, etc.

Just please don't call me an environmentalist - I'm a natural resource coordinator. I don't believe in forcing my lifestyle on other people and darn it! I do love chemicals. I'm not a potions master for nothing ;)

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

oh we'll be deadly good. I've been known to dabble in alchemy and potions myself.

...have you met the original head, the figurehead? the_anaconda

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Heh. I tend to be a bit more historic and literal in my alchemy, but I teach a mean class for beginners.

As for Mr. Anaconda, he seems a bit shy. Perhaps I need to make friends with him?

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

He's new to all this ... limited vocabularly, being a serpent and all ...

Alchemy ... the literal and historic are very much my area, though I adapt it to my needs. I taught for a while, but haven't since I've lived here. The general climate is more toward the new age and the dabblers, and not everyone is worthy of or ready for this knowledge. I keep it strictly historical and anecdotal for them now.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you. I avoid most new-age alchemy people. They lack the finesse of the old masters.

You have no idea how nice it is to meet another serious alchemy student. I don't really do much potion making except of the edible variety since I left college, but I do make one mean smoke bomb still.

Part of it is lack of time. A single mother has very little time for herself and I try to spend a lot of that on my writing. Besides, I swear that kids take brain cells from you. Even though I adore mine and really don't mind the sacrifice.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

I am lucky to still live alone, for my perpetual experiments would likely upset a housemate. I learned the most from an old Chinese herbalist who could do the most amazing things, but what I do is not necessarily what I would teach.
I've managed to keep mywork most discreet, except for the time a visitor drank from one of the cloudy and colored liquids sitting in the back of the refrigerator, that was interesting.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I hope they survived.

I try to keep my creations on the mild side - it's a mother thing. (Not that I am ignorant of some of the more potent stuff.) But I do intend to have a workshop/lab one of these days - if only to do my soap, stained glass and ceramics.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Yes, the nature of this beast was not at all deadly, but anyone who would without a thought drink from the cloudy grey bottle in the back might not be missed by the gene pool and will likely walk into a speeding train because the lights were so pretty. :-)

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Very good point. A candidate for the Darwin Awards definitely. I would never drink anything grey unless I created it myself and knew what was in it.

People amaze me.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

They are forever entertaining. The Darwin Awards are my favourite yearly humour.

The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door...

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

The first thing I thought when I saw your user pictures was that you looked like a Highwayman. *grins*

Re: The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door...

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

It's often ends up my costume come Hallowe'en time, as I have some clothing from the era and a nice hat, many weapons to brandish, riding boots. If I can find photos ... now if only someone will lend me their horse to ride the streets by night. When I rode across countries somany years ago, we would often imagine ourselves highwaymen to add a little spark to the long lonely stretches of nothing.