My heart is sick of being in chains

[neverwhere]

What a bloody awful day.

I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.

I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.

I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.

A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.

Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*

The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.

Comments

Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

It's a shame people are so shallow. I've been talking to a friend who was once anorexic and she's been telling me how overweight women actually have better sex lives according to the statistics - she's a statistician and although she still fights the battle of accepting herself at a higher than supermodel weight, she has been collecting information about weight for several years and has found several interesting things. I will try to put together what she has sent me over the past few months. I wished I had thought to save those conversations.

Still that doesn't help the career, does it? :(

It seems to me that what we need is an acting troop of real size women and put on stuff to put curves back where they belong.

Okay....
I guess I better work on being a successful writer so someone can fund this...

Re: Nevviekins

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I think I need a time machine so I can become an artist's model in the 18th century. Big really was beautiful back then. *hugs*

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

I would have to go back to the 15th century (or was it the 13th) to be lusted after for my body alone.

Not that there aren't some guys now who love getting physical with someone who's more woman than most men can handle. ;) Hey! At least my body can fuel the hormones and really let me enjoy the experience.

Re: Nevviekins

[belladonnastrap.livejournal.com]

It's funny. Here in the US you're taught (well at least I was) that being rail thin is absolutely goregous and if you're more then a size 6 you're a fat cow and europe will appreciate you better since they're "into that sort of thing." It's disgusting. If you do manage to travel back in time to the 18th century let me know! I'd love to wear wanton dresses every single day and inspire millions of men with my exotic beauty (HAH!)

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

...and men who look like me could make a good living as highwaymen ... take me back too.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

All right. Scratch funding the acting troop.

Alternative community anyone?

(Must finish polishing novel and submit to agent.)

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

hehehe, I've got one loosely planned ... just need the funding or success to support a life without the constraints of artificial standards, bring back formal balls, real villains, fancy dress, and duels at dawn. Acting troupe can fund this ...

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Well, I study alternative built and powered housing, wells and septic systems (private and municipal) as a hobby.

We could have the best of both worlds and have hobbit holes for those who want them to boot.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Now that is a worthy hobby! Welcome aboard. Arts community? Nahhh, empire!

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Muahahaha...

Always nice to meet someone else who thinks big. And people wonder how I once ended up as Head of Slytherin ;)

It would be fun to bring to life. Passive solar homes, wind mills, natural waste treatments, self-purify swimming ponds, rain cisterns to supplement well water, companion and rotational planting - using Nature to her fullest.

And have a slower paced community where people create art, writing, music, dance, etc.

Just please don't call me an environmentalist - I'm a natural resource coordinator. I don't believe in forcing my lifestyle on other people and darn it! I do love chemicals. I'm not a potions master for nothing ;)

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

oh we'll be deadly good. I've been known to dabble in alchemy and potions myself.

...have you met the original head, the figurehead? the_anaconda

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Heh. I tend to be a bit more historic and literal in my alchemy, but I teach a mean class for beginners.

As for Mr. Anaconda, he seems a bit shy. Perhaps I need to make friends with him?

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

He's new to all this ... limited vocabularly, being a serpent and all ...

Alchemy ... the literal and historic are very much my area, though I adapt it to my needs. I taught for a while, but haven't since I've lived here. The general climate is more toward the new age and the dabblers, and not everyone is worthy of or ready for this knowledge. I keep it strictly historical and anecdotal for them now.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you. I avoid most new-age alchemy people. They lack the finesse of the old masters.

You have no idea how nice it is to meet another serious alchemy student. I don't really do much potion making except of the edible variety since I left college, but I do make one mean smoke bomb still.

Part of it is lack of time. A single mother has very little time for herself and I try to spend a lot of that on my writing. Besides, I swear that kids take brain cells from you. Even though I adore mine and really don't mind the sacrifice.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

I am lucky to still live alone, for my perpetual experiments would likely upset a housemate. I learned the most from an old Chinese herbalist who could do the most amazing things, but what I do is not necessarily what I would teach.
I've managed to keep mywork most discreet, except for the time a visitor drank from one of the cloudy and colored liquids sitting in the back of the refrigerator, that was interesting.

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I hope they survived.

I try to keep my creations on the mild side - it's a mother thing. (Not that I am ignorant of some of the more potent stuff.) But I do intend to have a workshop/lab one of these days - if only to do my soap, stained glass and ceramics.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Yes, the nature of this beast was not at all deadly, but anyone who would without a thought drink from the cloudy grey bottle in the back might not be missed by the gene pool and will likely walk into a speeding train because the lights were so pretty. :-)

Re: Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

Very good point. A candidate for the Darwin Awards definitely. I would never drink anything grey unless I created it myself and knew what was in it.

People amaze me.

Re: Nevviekins

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

They are forever entertaining. The Darwin Awards are my favourite yearly humour.

The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door...

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

The first thing I thought when I saw your user pictures was that you looked like a Highwayman. *grins*

Re: The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door...

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

It's often ends up my costume come Hallowe'en time, as I have some clothing from the era and a nice hat, many weapons to brandish, riding boots. If I can find photos ... now if only someone will lend me their horse to ride the streets by night. When I rode across countries somany years ago, we would often imagine ourselves highwaymen to add a little spark to the long lonely stretches of nothing.