(no subject)

[neverwhere]

Thank you so much for your concern and well wishes. I can't believe how many of you replied to my entry, I'm truly stunned by the reaction it received. I really have made some amazing friends. I hope you all realize how much I value your friendship. Because I really do. :)

Please forgive me for not replying last night, I went to bed early and was too emotionally drained for a response. So here's the deal -- I'm not going because I want to. There are many reasons why I am being forced to go, but basically it's because I have no money and my father has promised to help me get back on my feet, but only if it is under his careful supervision, which means I have to leave. He never wanted me to become an actor, he hates me living here (where he can't CONTROL me) and even wants me to train for a 'proper' degree this time, preferably at a 'decent' school (let's not even mention how much he loathed Sarah Lawrence) so he can finally be proud of me. And did I mention that he wants to stick me in 'intense' therapy to sort out all of my emotional problems (most of which he caused)? Whoopee.

So I'm going. And not looking forward to it at all. But, my father has promised to bribe me make my stay more pleasant and (hopefully) enjoyable by giving me lots and lots of stuff. My father is quite well off, but has never actually given me anything like this, so it's rather shocking. But he has promised a nice flat, a car, a computer, dvd player...just about anything to bribe me into staying and shutting up about how miserable I am make me happy. Which will be nice. It will be good not to constantly stress about money, because god knows I've done enough of that lately. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm there -- I suppose I'll get a job in a bookshop, which I've done before and enjoyed, but apart from that (and going to the gym of course -- I have got to lose weight) I really have no clue. I'd like to keep acting of course...but I seriously doubt that will be a possibility. Oh well.

I know I shouldn't complain. Most people would love to be in my position. But it's just so unfair -- I was finally starting to have a good life, I actually made some fantastic friends that I could spend time with and who cared about me, and even more that I haven't met yet or got to know very well but would dearly love to, and now I'm going thousands of miles away, where I don't know ANYone except a few relatives whom I would really rather not have to see. I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to leave.

I just have to keep telling myself, 'it's only for a little while'. I hope it's true.


In other news: Today I had a fascinating conversation with a woman who is about to begin making a film that will be shown at next year's Cannes Film Festival. It's called Strings, and it's a dark, elegant, poignant and incredibly beautiful story about the lives of marionettes. If anyone has seen Being John Malkovitch, they'll know what I'm talking about. It sounds like a brilliant film, and I can't wait to see it.


Oh, and GIP -- because people don't use book quotes nearly enough. Pippin really is a most sensible Hobbit. :)

Comments

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

I couldn't call Pippin sensible, but he is certainly delightful!

Strings sounds awesome!

As for your position...*hugshugshugs* Well, much of what was to be said on my count was said in chat, when you told me. And frankly, you're right; it is unfair. I think your father is wrong to manipulate you and that he's an overbearing powerhungry asshole. Okay, so I'm biased; you actually have never spoken much of him in all the time I've known you, and that fact combined with what you have said tells me quite a lot. That or I'm a presumptuous biased wench who hates to see you unhappy. Y'know, one of those. *wry gryn*

But the fact that your father is wrong to manipulate you doesn't mean it's wrong for you to accept. Lots of good things can come of this. I know you don't want to leave England (and certainly I don't want you to leave England! *wry gryn*), but if accepting your father's charity means that you'll be free to not freak out about money for a time, go to a gym, go to a therapist (note: no negative stigma involved in that, probably we all need therapists!)...well, maybe it's a good thing. I only have two pieces of advice: first of all, be sure to find something to do in LA, some sort of work that's yours and not set up by your father, whether it's acting or working in a bookstore where Tori visits (squee!) or anything. And second, don't let the situation last forever. Though I think you knew that one. =) Oh, and let me visit, but that too was a given. *hehe*

There is an acting community in LA; one of my best friend's boyfriends is an actor in New York City, but they hate NYC and want to move to LA instead and try that acting scene. He's researched big theater areas and says that's one of the major ones in the US. So surely there's space for you in there. =)

Truthfully, I quite like the idea of you going to therapy in order to work on the issues you have with your father. There's a certain poetic justice in that, n'est-ce-pas? *gryn* Besides, all of us lovely people kicking you in the head and telling you to believe in yourself never seems to work, so perhaps someone who's trained to do just that will have better luck. And then you can take over the world, and I can beg you to let me have a little corner of Wales to live in. *Gryn*

On a random note--and this is of course hugely overwhelmingly theoretical--your father wouldn't object to me moving in with you? Particularly as I couldn't pay rent at first? God knows the last thing I'd want is to cause more trouble. (I have no idea if that's what I'll do or not, as you know, I'm just trying to figure out what all the options are)

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

Okay, one more piece of advice: DON'T LET YOUR FATHER EAT YOU!!! You are a good actress (and, I repeat, a smashing director, I still think you should do more directing) and don't you doubt/forget it for a moment. Don't give up!

After all, someday when you're rich and famous and have lots of Hollywood connections like Adrian Brody I'll be able to bribe you into introducing me to them so I can score their movies, bwhahahahhaahahaa. We will take over the world, I tells ya!

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

You're the best. Thank you for cheering me up Ash. *squishes till you burst* :D

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Stopping to eat and rest when you are weary is very sensible. *grins*

Strings sounds absolutely amazing, I know that you'll enjoy it. The woman I spoke with was the head puppeteer and was going to choreograph all the movement, and she was literally bouncing with excitement about the project. I hope it becomes a real winner.

I'm sure my father would be astoundingly pleased to know I have a friend who would actually consider living with me. *laughs* I honestly don't think it will be a problem. My slovenlyness, on the other hand, might be. ;-)

*long adoring hugs*

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

Okay, you have a point on that thing about stopping to eat when you're hungry. The problem is, Pippin is always hungry? He has what, eight meals a day?? Sillys hobbitses!

Your slovenlyness wouldn't be a problem to me, so long as the kitchen/bathroom are kept clean. All else can be dirty, but leaving food around Will Not Do. *hehee* (I mean fer cryin' out loud, m'friend Josh will eat dinner in his bedroom and then leave the dishes on the floor, and three weeks later they're still there and slightly modly...*shudder*)