neverwhere

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present: The World's Most Appalling Piece of LOTR Fanfic, by Neverwhere the Magnificent.

Enjoy. *grins*

Merry?'
'Yes, Pip?'
'What are we doing here'?
'You already know that, Pippin. We're here to watch over Nevvie as she writes her first fanfic.'
'Really? Will there be smut? I'm not sure I can take any more, my thighs are beginning to ache.'
'I don't think so.'
'Oh good.'

'Merry?'
'What.'
'What are we supposed to do, exactly?'
'Just be quiet Pip, and look cute. I think she needs to be inspired by your insipid adorableness.'
'You think I'm insipid? I thought you were my best friend.'
'I am, but the screaming fangirls who worship your pretty curls and pouty cupid's bow lips drive me crazy. I wish they'd just stop. Or at least throw themselves at *me* for once.'
'But they do. I've seen them stare at your trousers for hours. I know they're very nice trousers, but it does seem a little obsessive to me. I mean, they're just trousers, right? Everybody wears them.'
'Indeed.'
'Why are you looking at me like that?'
'Because you amuse me.'
'Is that all?'
'Yes. Why, do you want it to be more?'
'Uhmmmm...'
'Stop chewing on your scarf Pip.'
'I thought you said there wouldn't be smut.'
'This isn't smut.'
'Oh no? It feels quite smutty to me.'
'I'm not doing anything to you, am I?'
'Well, no.'
'There you are then.'

'Merry?'
'Yes, Pip.'
'Could you not put your carrot there? You're making me uncomfortable.'
'Sorry.'
'No, seriously. Put it somewhere else.'
'I did.'
'Oh.'
'I was wrong Pip. This is smut.'
'I thought as much.'
'I guess we'd better just enjoy it.'
'You're right. Pass the the lube, would you? Cheers.'