(no subject)

[neverwhere]

Last year, I was standing above the Thames, facing the Houses of Parliament, and cheered with thousands of other people as Big Ben rang in the start of the new year.

This year, I sat on my bed (the only other piece of furniture in my miserably untidy flat apart from the computer desk), holding a bottle of root beer and watching other people having fun on t.v, and when the big ball dropped in Times Square to signal the start of 2004...I just sat there, sobbing pathetically.

That's how I greeted the new year. As a pathetic, lonely failure.

Please don't let me end the year the same way.

Comments

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

How on earth does that follow? Loneliness doesn't necessarily get easier to deal with the longer you have to cope with it.

Why would your therapist dislike this idea, aside from the obvious losing a patient factor?

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

He doesn't want me to have 'unrealistic' expectations, or some such thing. He wants me to go to community college to finish my studies. Forgive me for being an incurable Ravenclaw snob, but NO. I have enough credits to get my BA in a year, and there's no way I'm going to plummet from Sarah Lawrence to Long Beach City. *snort*

Arrgh. That was really horrid of me, wasn't it.

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

FUCK NO! You went to SARAH FUCKING LAWRENCE! And we RULE. Prestigious genius people! We were made for graduate school, that's what all that conference work trained us for! You're an SLC wench! You directed plays and wrote papers on Star Trek as modern day folklore! You are LIGHT YEARS beyond community college! So THERE!

But hang on a sec, didn't you already earn your BA, or did I miss something?

Anyway, regardless, the point is that you're better than that. You did go to SLC, and it's a good school, and not just anybody gets in there, pardon my snobbery. You've got the l33t mad skillz to get in just about anywhere. certainly something better than a community college. Maybe therapist guy is recommending you do small steps, and that's got some merit, I'm not ordering you to go out and apply to the best schools ever because frankly they would intimidate the hell out of you (they certainly do out of me!). But you can at least find someplace, y'know, decent and middle-ground. What sort of degree do you want, anyhow?

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I had an early acceptance to Sarah Lawrence. They pratically BEGGED me to come! And I fucked it all up. But the point is, I rule. I know I'm better than community college or even Long Beach State (my father refuses to stop pushing me to apply for CSLB, and it drives me absolutely crazy), but it's been such a long time since I've had to write an essay that I'm afraid (of course) of failing again. Although I didn't even fail at SLC -- I was so stupid, when I left I was only missing 5 credits and had a solid B- average. (B minus!!!! ARRGHHHHH) But because I was told scary things that weren't nessesarily true, I buggered off. Stupid, STUPID Nevvie. *bashes head repeatedly against a wall*

I do have two diplomas, in Classical Acting and Musical Theatre, but there's not the same as a Bachelors. Sadly.

I don't know what kind of degree I want! I know I would dearly love to take the Masters degree course at U of Reading in Scifi-fantasy, but I don't know what else before then. Do I want a degree in Folklore? Theatre? Literature? History? Classics? NO FUCKING CLUE. That's part of the reason I'm so messed up and depressed, because I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm interested in so many things, and I'm good at all of them, but I don't think I'm particuarly great in any of them. Nothing stands out as 'YES, that's the choice for me', because I get such joy from every one. So I don't know what to do.
And there isn't ANYwhere around here that even vaguely offers things I'm interested in, except UCLA, and that's one of the biggest universities in the country. I would die in a class of 500 students. My father and my therapist think it's a good place to look into (well, my dad would if he thought I had a chance of getting and/or surviving the workload) but they don't understand how frightening it is for me to be around so many people, or if they do, they don't care, and think I'm just being ridiculous.
I wish I could just go back to SLC, but that's not an option, as my father would never help pay for it, and it's not 'my' school anymore anyway.

I just don't know what to do.

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

You got in EARLY DECISION?! Holy fuck. I worship you. *bows* Am so awed.

As for what to finish your BA in, welp, not to be biased, but an English BA is an excellent place to go to get a bit of Folklore, Theatre, Literature, History, Classics, AND leaves all those options (plus the Sci-Fi at Reading) open to you for the future. Cooooooooooooooome to the English side...*wicked gryn* And everywhere has good English degrees, and actually University of California system has some of the best English programs there are, and you'd get instate tuition...why not just apply to one (or several) of those to get your BA? Transfer in the SLC credits and go there for a year. You'd still be in California, but you'd have something worthwhile to DO while you were there, and you'd get cheap in-state tuition...I know the class sizes are scary *hugs* but it is true that you may just have to learn to deal with that...schools with class sizes like SLC's are few and far between. Look at it this way: when surrounded by so many people, you're essentially invisible, and that's not always a bad thing. It's easier to get things done when people aren't paying attention to you, because you don't have to worry what they think.

Alternately, have you written to the SLC Career Counseling Centre? Talk to Mary Raymond, for she is unutterably nice and unintimidating and helpful, very very good at being given problems and finding solutions to them, and maybe she could find some way for you to finish your SLC education from afar or something. You're hardly the first person to not quite finish your education; there *must* be something, some sort of precedent for that. Have you asked?

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Back, foul temptress! Your literary wiles have no affect on me... :-P

I hadn't even considered asking a career counselor, which I suppose just illustrates the daft frame of mind I'm in. *grins sheepishly*
Thank you so much for the suggestion, I shall look into it right away. *squeeeze*

And yes, I think I'm going to have to apply to UCLA. Although that means more years here. Gah. GAHHHHH. But you're right, at least I'd be doing something, which is more than can be said for the depressing stagnation I'm suffering from now.

I just need to get off my arse and DO things for once. Yes. You did it, so can I. Yes I can. *repeats over and over* :)

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

I'm just giving you the same advice people gave me when I was in the daft frame of mind you're in now. *hugs* Pass it on! And definitely do, Mary Raymond is *utterly* nice, dunno if you ever had any dealings with her before but she *really* is.

And yep, you're so in the rut I was in, and therefore you too can get off your arse and DO things for once. *kick kick* I'm still getting the hang of it, but the first trick is just to start doing things. My logic is even if I screw up, well, at least I'm out of the rut!

Why do you have to apply to UCLA though? Why not Berkeley? And if you only are missing 5 credits, could you finish in a semester rather than a year? That's really not much! I'm only talking about finishing your BA after all, not the Masters--clearly for the MAsters you should go to Reading! *hugs* And yeah, DEFINITELY talk to MAry Raymond because if you can get the degree through SLC, much much much much MUCH better!

*hugs* You're brilliant! Don't forget!

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

>You're brilliant! Don't forget!

I try not to. :)))

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

Good girl. *gryn*