My heart is sick of being in chains

[neverwhere]

What a bloody awful day.

I broke down and cried during rehearsal this afternoon. I promised myself I wouldn't, no matter how angry and frustrated I was because I couldn't do the dance steps, but I couldn't stop.
I felt so humiliated, like everyone was laughing and pointing at me for being so stupid.

I am just so sick of being fat and useless. Sometimes I pretend to myself I don't mind, that I enjoy looking like a roly poly hobbit lass, and it doesn't bother me that I can't wear any of the clothes I want, or even that I don't look good in the ones I have. Of COURSE it bothers me. I hate it. And I hate myself for looking the way I do.

I'm an actor. All actors, no matter how talented, get jobs based on their appearance. It's that simple. I am doomed to a life of playing servants, or if I'm lucky, comicly buxom wenches. Hurrah.
I don't even know why I do it anymore. I haven't been happy acting or singing in so long, but I don't know what else to do with my life. Somebody help me.

A woman on the train nearly sat next to me, eyed me up and down, gave me a look of great disdain, and wandered off to find another seat. As if I needed more reason to feel like a worthless human being today.

Came home to find that I have been verbally abused without my knowledge by people who don't know me, have never spoken to me, but presume to know exactly what I am like and can therefore mock me and examine my oh so obvious flaws without hesitation. Oh goodie. *sighs wearily*

The sprig of rowan I carry with me to bring luck and protect me from bad magicks is obviously not working. My legs and ankles were in excrutiating pain all day and even now I can barely walk. I got myself kicked out of the main dance routine because I couldn't pick up the steps. I am being attacked for no reason by people who know nothing about me, but have only heard about me from people whom I thought were my friends. I am home alone on a friday night with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel depressed, betrayed, useless and just plain miserable.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning if this is all I have to look forward to.

Comments

:(

[wyldechylde14.livejournal.com]

::gives you a big snuggle-hug::

Don't worry about what stupid people say. You're wonderful, no matter what your packaging. Why do you think you're so popular on livejournal!

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*chuckles*
Thank you for reminding me that I am pounced on by people here every day. ;-)

*squiggle-squeeeze*

[caersidi.livejournal.com]

Oh Nevvie, I hate to read something like this. Acting is a harsh profession exactly as you say and the casual cruelness of people makes me so angry.

Try to do something nice for yourself tonight. Perhaps a nice bath and allow those negative projections to flow away.

*hugs*

Vivienne

*huggles*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I hate writing things like this. I almost considered not writing it all, I try so hard to keep my journal a happy, cheerful place, and entries like this just seem so out of character.

But I desperately needed to get my feelings out, I can't keep crying inside.

I think it's a night of chocolate and dvds. Maybe a bubbly bath. And hot cocoa. Yes. :)

*forever hugs*

[ex-bluerhaps882.livejournal.com]

Aww Nevvie. *tear*

You KNOW your friends love you because you're you, and you are playful and cheery and cute. And we really don't care about anything else. Because Nevvie is the smartest and the cutest :) Come on, head up - I know it feels hard right now, but every cloud has silver lining. You're free-spirited, fun, and wonderfully outgoing Nev, and no matter what you look like your friends will love you.

Yes, I agree it's SOOOOOOOO unfair that actors get their jobs based on their appearances, but there really isn't anything that can be done about it. That's why I don't want to be an actress - I don't want to be in any school plays or whatever. It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, it's just that I have glasses and most of the time the director doesn't want the lead to have glasses. I wound up being a narrator for 4 years, trust me, I know what it's like.

Some people are perfect and beautiful on the inside, not only the outside. I'm sure that you are every bit as cute as you claim to be *giggles* but you're even more beautiful on the inside. :) Your personality is very attractive *g*

*huggles forever*
Your Wondermoose <3 <3 <3

Re: *forever hugs*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Thank you my dearest Leah. *holds you tight*

I am playful and cheery and cute, I always hope that's enough to make people like me, but I know it isn't. Sigh.

I thought you had already seen pictures of me? Here are some I took about two weeks ago with Mr Webcam.

[chrystimd.livejournal.com]

You get up in the morning because you are you, and that indomitable Nevvie cheerfulness reasserts itself and you come into my life and brighten my day so much...I just love you!! Keep being you, and all will be well, forever. Now, let's see about that pedicure...

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Oh Chrysti, you are such an unquenchable burst of sunshine, thank you so much for being here for me. *squeeeeze*

[silverowlwings.livejournal.com]

If I was older and had the means, I would hop a plane to jolly ol' England, hunt you down, and give you a hug. I mean, why not? I've always wanted to visit the UK anyway, and I'd sure love to meet you.

Alas, I cannot at this point in life, so this will have to suffice for now:
*hugs*

People who judge only by looks are not worth the worry. I'm sure you're a beautiful person on the surface (judging by the little pictures I've seen :D), and you've certainly got a lovely personality!

I always remember a little quote from Dr. Seuss in situations like these:
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."

Keep carrying the sprig of rowan! I wish you luck and a much happier day tomorrow. *hugs*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I love Dr. Seuss. :)

Thanks so much for the virtual plane ride and hug, honestly, it really is appreciated. *squish*

I know I'm cute, but people don't see that, they only see the flab. Or at least, I feel like all anyone ever sees is my blubber. Stupid stomach.

Nevviekins

[mamaslyth.livejournal.com]

It's a shame people are so shallow. I've been talking to a friend who was once anorexic and she's been telling me how overweight women actually have better sex lives according to the statistics - she's a statistician and although she still fights the battle of accepting herself at a higher than supermodel weight, she has been collecting information about weight for several years and has found several interesting things. I will try to put together what she has sent me over the past few months. I wished I had thought to save those conversations.

Still that doesn't help the career, does it? :(

It seems to me that what we need is an acting troop of real size women and put on stuff to put curves back where they belong.

Okay....
I guess I better work on being a successful writer so someone can fund this...

Re: Nevviekins

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I think I need a time machine so I can become an artist's model in the 18th century. Big really was beautiful back then. *hugs*

[belladonnastrap.livejournal.com]

I haven't known you long but I guess it doesn't matter since what I'm about to say has been echoed by all the other comments you have. If singing & acting don't bring you as much joy as they used to perhaps you can take a break from it for awhile and re evaluate. Take some time off, immerse yourself with the things/people you love and try and reach some sort of doable conclusion.

Personally I for one think you're a beautiful woman inside and out and the rest of them can stick it up their...well you know. The trick is to keep breathing. *hugs and pomegranates*

[gilneas.livejournal.com]

Ah, sweetie. Sometimes you just need those days... they make the happier ones seem so much better.

[storme]

Sigh.

You know, I always found it amusing that the girls in my school with boyfriends were the, ahem, plumper ones amongst us. The thin, classically pretty ones never got any attention. I have no idea why this was the case, but it was so. *I* never lacked for male attention, and I'm what, a size 16, 18?

But it does hurt that I can't go buy clothes without having to check that they do larger sizes. And it hurts that I look in the mirror and see a double chin. It hurts that I will never have a flat stomach, and that I will never look good in sleeveless tops. It's a harsh world.

But here's the thing: you *are* cute. You look good in every photo I've seen, and in real life too. Hell, Neil Gaiman thinks you're cute. And you are one of the nicest people I've had the pleasure of meeting.

*hugs* We all love you, Nevvie.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Hey, yeah! Whenever I feel depressed, I shall always remember that Neil thinks I'm cuuuuuuute. :D

I think you're fabulous, I've no doubt all the honeys were all over you. *grins* (You snagged a supercute Scotsman after all! ;-)

Dear Nevvie

[cat-irix.livejournal.com]

It's so sad to see you so depressed. I don't see any reason to pay attention to the opinion of some stupid gits who don't even know you ! look how many friends you have, and how many people love you for what you are ! you're intelligent, witty, charming; and although I've never seen you in RL, seeing from your piccies, you're extremely pretty, too !

I'm sure you'll succeed with your job if only you say to yourself "I can do it" and really believe it and don't let anybody to convince you otherwise, after all, who knows you better than yourself ?

So take a relaxing bath and think of all the people who love you and how many good things are out there in the world if you're ready to appreciate them :)

(((hugs)))

[madpixie.livejournal.com]

Awww **hugs**

you are lovely.......don't let the bastards get you down hon :-(
xxxxxxxx

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Thank you :))

I try so hard not to let the opinions of others worry me, but it seems like an impossible task. I guess I am far too sensitive.

Psh, they don't deserve my attention anyway. Stupid people. Why can't they see how amazing I am! *kicks them* ;-)

[pinion.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
youre a brave girl, nevvie. you get out there and you face the world and do things. I hide. Im too afraid.
but we'll both get there.
youre beautiful, and have the pingiest hair ever. :) dont hide yourself away.

[mlfoley.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

Acting can be cruel. It's very sad to see extremely unhealthy women propped up as models to all women. In fact, it's quite disgusting.

However, I can definitely relate to you. I don't really know what to say, except that anyone who judges you on your size (and you do not look to be that big, though admittedly all I've seen are face shots) isn't worth your while.

In other words, you rock and don't let idiots get you down. They're not worth it, though trust me, I don't practice what I preach. *grins and hugs*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I only ever take face shots, because I'm too ashamed of the rest of me. My face, I know, is cute. I can handle showing off my face. Just not anything else. :)

*huggles*

*tight squeeze*

[wreibyn.livejournal.com]

Nevvie.. :( I don't think that there is anything I can say that someone else hasn't said already... there is no way you are useless or worthless!! so get those thoughts right out of your head!! I've struggled with this my entire life and finally was able to accept myself for who I am a few yrs ago.. i just decided that it wasn't worth the time and energy, and there are so many better things i could be doing, rather than feeling sorry for myself... it's a hard road to take, and you'll not want to do it, but you need to make up your mind and accept yourself for the fun, loving, beautiful, bubbly, charismatic, entertaining, cute person that you are...

it's a tough road, but you have many friends here who want you to know what you mean to them... you are special.. and that's not coming from your mother.. that's coming from me, and everyone else here who knows you...

tell you what... i'll start sending some of my boys your way to make you feel better... i know you probably don't want them, but the attention is alway welcome.... ;)

*unlocks handcuffs of two men in the closet*

Here you go, Nevvie... they are yours for the weekend... their names are Tristan and Andrew... :D remember them??

enjoy.. and no sharing!!!

Re: *tight squeeze*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I love you Kara. You make everything wonderful. *holds you tight and spins you around*

And Mmmmmmm....Tristan. *grins* ;-)

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

I wish you lived here tonight. Just so you know, dancers are notorious for being rabid ... the things they say to and about each other in the spirit of competitiveness ... men have it so much easier, and are not as nasty as women can be to one another. You do have a lot of fans and friends, they are the ones who matter in the end, not what some threatened barbie wannabe says to you. However, when it all happens at once, it's hard to keep sight of all that. I've been there, but I turned a physical oddity into a boon and never looked back ... well, not too much.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

I can't thank you enough for all the wonderful comments you have left for me tonight, your advice and words of comfort have helped me feel so much better. *tight squeeeze*

I wish I was still at university in NYC, then I could pop over and visit you for some tea and sympathy (and orangelover and I could finally star in that porn film together ;-), and fun and games as well. :)

Chin Up ;)

[ravynne.livejournal.com]

I have only been on your friends list for a little while and I aleays enjoy reading your posts. Dont ever feel like you cant post your rotten feelings too! No one expects you to be bubbly ALL the time :) I used to suffer from the "Always happy on the outside" illness too- and I was always torn up on the inside. Then a few years ago I decided I was tired of always listening to others problems and never sharing my own. You are entitled to your crappy days too dangit! ;)
I know what you mean about people looking at you and making you feel like a blob of nothingness- I developed this attitude a few years ago and have been like "You dont like me bc Im fat? Your problem not mine- one less card I have to buy at Christmas"
Just be yourself- whether you feel happy and bubbly or bitchy and melancholy- you are here to please yourself and make YOUR life happy and if other people cant see that you are fun and giving and PRETTY then to be frank & crass- fuck them. Who needs their pettiness bringing you down! Patooey on them! Bah I say! Most people are sheep- they may as well be clones bc they cant think for themselves. If you are getting burned out from the acting then in my opinion you would be a WONDERFUL tour guide! :) You could take a break from it all to travel and see the world! I have been on enough tours where I would much rather have a fun upbeat woman to chat and talk with than some stuffy bore who doesnt even really like people. Think of the adventure! The excitement! The new horizons! The free travel! :) Buck up lil camper! :):) HUGS

Re: Chin Up ;)

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

I was a tour guide in an art museum one summer. That was fun. *G*
I'm not sure I could be patient enough to handle whingy tourists all day though. ;-)

*squishes*

A word from your "friendly" neighborhood mouth...

[orangelover.livejournal.com]

*squeeze* Fuck the lot of them, Nev. They're not worth your energy.

Re: A word from your "friendly" neighborhood mouth...

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*LOL*

Cheers mate. You're brilliant. :D

[silverwraith.livejournal.com]

I think you're pretty! :) and cool as hell, to boot!

don't let fuckers like that get you down, you're ten times what they'll ever be. I know it's easier to say stuff like that than it is to believe it or incorporate it into your psyche...but believe me when I say I know how you feel when it comes to thinking people stare at you or believe you're less than what you are if you're bigger than they are. but you ARE better than they are. *hugs*

<3

[airemay.livejournal.com]

It is times like this when being on a computer sucks. I have no words to say, only hugs to give. Do ever have moments like that?

Do not say that you're fat. AND! Do not say that you are useless! Do you want to know why you can't say it? Because not only are you *not* fat, you are sooooooo not useless. You are my freaking role model, Nevvie. I tell you this many times, and it is so true. I want to be like you when I get older. You work so hard for theatre and am able to make a living with it. That is exactly what I want to do. What is the world coming to do, if my role model is feeling usless (well, besides running over to England and giving you hugs)?

You're beautiful. You have a lovely smile. Your hair is pretty. There's a verse somewhere in the bible that goes "don't let anyone look down on you because you are young..." Well, guess what?

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are you.

Re: <3

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

How'd you get to be so wise lil' missy? :)

Thanks Aires. I never get tired of hearing 'you're my role model', even if sometimes I don't believe it. *squishes*

[lisaofdoom.livejournal.com]

I know it's seriously overused, but *hugs*

Don't feel bad about yourself! You are a very special person!

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

You can NEVER have too many hugs. :))

Thank youuuuuuuuu :D *pouncesquish*

[fropi.livejournal.com]

Oh Nevvie!!! *massive squishes* I am sorry to see you so sad! Acting really is a cutthroat business, and people can be so cruel! But just remember you are worth a hundred of them (or more!) and you are talented and fun and lovely no matter what anyone else says!

Some fun links to cheer you up (maybe you've already seen them, I'm not sure):

Tori coming to London in January!

Series II

Hope you feel better soon! *hugs*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

Evieeeeeeee! I'm SO happy to see you! :D

I didn't know that Tori was coming to London! Aiiiii!!!! *bouncebouncebounce*
Thank you so much my delightful twin, I was all sadly before because I thought she wasn't going to play here. Wheeee!

I love you the way you are!

[(Anonymous)]

Aquila Malfoy here! ( And I see somebody above has stolen my name! At least it looks like it says "Aqui" on that pic! Verrry pretty pic, btw! ;-)

OK, I'm late again. Just want to add my two ( hundred? ;-P ) Knuts so that you don't think I've forgotten you. First: Don't feel that you have to keep this LJ a happy, bubbly place *always*! It's fun to read and makes people's days just that bit brighter, but I, for one, love to be "let in on" all aspects of the people I care about. It makes the relationship more... dimensional. You have the right to have bad days as well as anybody else, and what's more, if you feel that way your friends want to know so that we can help... at least in whatever way an online friend can!

I know the feelings of uselessness myself; I know what it feels like sitting home alone on a Friday night ( I read a book by Isaac Asimov yesterday, before going to bed! ); I know what it feels like when you can't do something in your job ( or life! ) that everybody else seems able to do. *But* I also know about the feelings of accomplishment and pride, sometimes just in the little things. I know you're a happy and optimistic person normally, and I know you have lots of talent in many things. Look at how many friends you have out here! OK, so some of us won't ever meet you "IRL", but we're no figment of somebody's imagination, we're real, in-the-flesh people who care about you! ( Some ppl diss us who mostly have internet friends, but what do *they* know? Narrow-minded, unimaginative losers, they are! )

Yes, this society is very much focussed on looks, and the "rules" they set up for what's considered "beauty" have ruined many ppl's lives ( I'm talking about for example anorectics. ). All people are different; we come in many shapes and forms; the majority of us wouldn't ever be able to look like the models, but still we get friends, boyfriends and families ( not me, but most ppl! ) and, darnit, the world is *full* of beautiful ppl in all shapes and sizes! You are one of them.

To me, personally, the inside of a person is more important than the outside ( one of the reasons I love internet communities ) and you're a wonderful person, *but* I think you're pretty on the outside too! The ppl who give you nasty looks just because you're somewhat more than skin and bones are very rude and shallow ppl. They need to learn how to respect their fellow human beings. I understand that their actions hurt, but try to remember it's ultimately *their* loss that they're predjudiced! They miss so many good things in life, and in their fellow humans, just because they're brainwashed by TV and commercials and stupid beauty magazines!

Yes, I know acting is one of the professions where they focus the most on looks. But you're *you*, you can't just mold yourself into the shape "they" would prefer. You're pretty the way you are, and if you're healthy at the weight you are, there's no need to do anything about it. But, if you think *you* would feel happier about yourself if you lost some weight, just go for it! You have to know what *you* want, what *you* find it worth fighting for! Find what's best in you, what you like the most about yourself, and bring it out! Compete with *that*; there are many ppl who don't have what you have!

*CYBER-HUGS* AQUI

One curvy hobbit girl to another

[lillydrag.livejournal.com]

I looked at the photos posted here, and I don't see that you're fat or unattractive at all. You do perhaps have the same issues I do, of looking young and cute and harmless. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing. You can make it work for you, draw people in with the innocence and then torture them with wickedness. ;) It's great fun.

If you have trouble with being type cast, I would suggest working more on your attitude. There are plenty of old paintings about to tell us that a skinny noblewoman was a rare thing. Raise your chin, fix an arrogant glint in your eyes and command by your presence and attitude that everyone see your nobility and grace.

Hobbit girl power! *high five*

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* :))

Sometimes looking ickle and cute is SUCH a curse. People always think I'm a silly teenager because of my babyface, and that I'm a bit daft because I look like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Heh, I'm so pleased to find someone else who lures with the cute and then unleashes the beast within. *grins*

[penmage.livejournal.com]

Goodness gracious there are a lot of comments in response to this. I don't have time to read through them all, but I must respond.

Nevvie, you are a wonderful, fun person. I am enriched because I know you, even only marginally. I don't give a damn what you look like, and I wouldn't even if I knew you in real life. Not saying that it doesn't bother you, not belittling that it bothers you. Just saying that I don't give a damn. You're smart and funny and interesting and a good person, and if people are too stupid to see it, well that's thier problem. And the best people always have people who are too dumb to see how much they're worth.

Love ya.

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*warm fuzzies all over* :))))

Thank you for taking the time to post a reply -- even though it seems like yours might be lost among the others, I assure you it is not, and is very much valued and appreciated. *squeeeeze*

And thank you so much for saying such wonderful (and true ;-) things about me. :)

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

You wake up in the morning because of surprises like running into old school friends in random places on the Internet! *schnooglehugs!*

I'm sorry the acting thing isn't going well, but I'm so glad to hear you're still at it! In my head Penelope Clearwater eternally looks like you, and I still say you should bloody well be playing her in the movies!

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I still wish I could play Penelope. I'd be perfect! Stupid casting agents don't know what they're missing. ;-)

Ick, I wish this wasn't the first post you had seen on discovering my journal, it's usually alot bouncier. Please scroll down a bit and find the better entries. *grins*

Yayyy I am SO happy to have you here Ashfae. This is just too amazing! *holds you tight and spins you round* :D